Filters.

Ok, I am back again to tell you more about what I have learned through being on STEPPS.

In our second week we learnt about filters.

Filters are a bit like the negative side of rose tinted spectacles, what you see is not the truth. When you are put into a situation that causes negative thoughts these thoughts are often fuelled by filters. This part of the course I have probably found the most helpful. It has been great to see how my thoughts are affected by seeing things through glasses that constantly warp my vision.

So what are these filters? Well I don't think I can actually write them out here plainly as I think that would be stepping on copyright laws. But I will try and explain what they are about.

If you are looking through these filters then you may believe that your emotional needs are not being met. You may think that someone is not caring for you in the way you think that you deserve. This can mean that you always want to be independent from others and may not ask or accept any help from anyone else. These filters can also cause you not to trust someone. You may think that if you put any trust in a person that they will go against you or maybe even abuse you in some way. So you end up expecting bad things to happen all the time. You can also end up pushing others away so that this can not happen.

You can be forever thinking that the people that you are close to are going to leave you. As I said in my previous post, I really struggle with abandonment and this is something that I am really having to work on in my therapy. It really hurts those involved including yourself. Because you are always worried that someone is going to leave you, you can end up going to extreme lengths to try and keep them there. The other thing that you can end up doing is pushing the person away thinking that if you break the friendship up first then it will be less painful. From experience this doesn't normally work. Them going may in itself be less painful, but often it still causes pain because you have to find reasons to hate the person to make it easier to push them away. This is what can then be painful. As I have said, this is my experience of this anyway.

You can believe that you are different from other people in a negative way. I personally think that if I let people in past my barriers that they will see the 'real' me and they will hate me for this. They will see how different I am in a negative way and hate me for it. This can make me very sensitive to anything people say to me that I could interpret as being negative. It also makes me very sensitive if I think that someone is rejecting me in some way. It makes me very insecure and means that in social situations I can feel very uncomfortable as I always think that people see me as being as bad as I see myself. I hate myself and a lot of the things that I do and this is due to this filter kicking in. It stops me from being able to see the good things. And if I do see good things about myself I then feel extremely guilty for it.

I have a huge fear of failure and this is due to 2 more of my filters, one of them makes me think that I am unable of achieving anything good or doing any thing right I wont even try as I am afraid that if I do try then I will fail it. This fear of failure can happen in any area of my life and I often just feel totally stupid. I compare myself to people that are more clever then I am to try and prove that what I am feeling is true. The other one of these (as i have found that these two seem to often go together), means that what ever I do it is not good enough for me and so I assume it won't be good enough for anyone else either. This is my perfectionist side. I will do anything to try and avoid criticism and this means setting myself very high standards. The thing is it doesn't matter how well I do actually do at anything, it could ALWAYS be better and so I beat myself up for it. I am very critical of all that I do. When I do get going on something then I find it very hard to stop until I deem that I have finished and that it's acceptable to me (normally its acceptable to others before it is myself and people are shouting at me to stop, but I am just unable to). This puts a lot of stress and pressure on me and it can get me very down. So I often just won't start anything to avoid it. Very black and white behaviour.

There are 2 others that go together very well too. One of these means that I am always sacrificing my needs to put other peoples needs before me. This isn't itself a bad thing but when it kicks in it's often totally over the top. If I do not do this then I will feel awful and will end up beating myself up. I have huge amounts of guilt (can you see how other filters often fit in with each other?) Because doing this means that your needs are not met you can end up getting really annoyed at the person that you are helping. For me this often happens when I am in a lot of pain or really tired and I feel I have to help someone else and ignore my pain. Though I am getting a lot better at being able to say no. But this leaves me with a huge sense of guilt.

Often you end up doing this as a form of submission. You believe that if you do not do this then the other person will be angry at you or abandon you and you want to do everything you can to avoid this. You give up all your emotions and thoughts because you feel that you have to agree with the other person. You can end up confused with your identity and believe that your thoughts and feelings are not actually important. Your emotions are normally pushed down when this filter is in action as you feel you are not allowed to show your emotions due to them not being important. You always put the other person first even if that means that your needs are not met. You won't even let the other person know if there are any needs that need to be met. This normally means that if the other person finds out that you have been keeping something hidden from them then they can get angry and very upset. This just seems to reinforce that you should not let anyone know the way that you are thinking or feeling and just pay full attention to the other person's thoughts and feelings.

The next filter means that I am always thinking that everything will go wrong. That nothing in my life will ever go the way I want it to/ go right. Everything seems to be a major disaster and things are made mountains out of molehills when it's not at all necessary for that to happen. You think that you will never be able to handle what life throws at you, things will never change. So to avoid this you try and shut yourself away, believing that if you're shut away nothing bad can happen to you. I have often been known to tell people that I am not leaving my bed that way no one can hurt me. This is pretty excessive, but you believe that this is totally necessary.

The last filter is one that I notice in people all the time, not just myself. It seems to be human nature. That is that we believe that we should be able to say, think or do whatever we want when we want. If you want a hug or a kiss you want it right then and there, no waiting. If I am made to wait then I think the person hates me or I get angry because I think I deserve it right then. Nothing is going to persuade me otherwise. I am the queen and I should get what I want when I want it, no questions asked. You don't care about what others want or need and you can push people away from you whether intentional or not. You also are not aware of long term consequences of your actions when this filter is in action. This is basically selfishness.

These filters are things that everyone uses to some degree, but people with EID tend to use them more often.

In my next post I will talk about challenging these filters.

my life with Emotional intensity disorder

WARNING may trigger!!!

I have an illness called borderline personality disorder, but i don't like to call it that. I prefer the name that my care co-ordinator told me when i was first diagnosed just over a year ago. This name is emotional intensity disorder. I believe that this describes the illness better than BPD.

BPD doesn't really tell you anything about the illness, other then that its a personality disorder. What does it mean to be borderline anyway? Borderline what?

EID isn't a perfect name either, but for me it is a lot better then all the other names out there.

Why am i referring to this disorder as an illness not a disorder? For me calling it an illness makes it feel more manageable, its like its no different to having any of the physical health problems. Its like its no different to a broken leg. The difference being that it is something that is wrong with my brain, some of my brain got wired a bit funny whilst i was growing up. This part of my brain is the part that regulates my emotions. With hard work and determination i hope i can undo this wiring and rewire it in a way which means that i can function better. I can teach myself ways in which i can deal with situations in different ways which means that my emotions wont be as extreme as they are at the moment.

People i tell about this illness seem to automatically think that i am schizophrenic, that i have more than one personality and they joke about it. This is not the case at all. So i am about to write this so that you can understand what it is really like to suffer from this illness. It's not pretty... in fact it's pretty ugly. All i ask is that you don't judge me for it. Believe me when i say that i am changing and that i don't like the negative parts of this any more than any of you reading this will.

The way EID was first described to me was that i was a bit like a radio, i have put some music on and turned the music right up, it's to loud so i try to turn it down, and i can't its stuck. I have the same emotions as someone without the illness but all my emotions are to the extreme.

However sometimes the dial is stuck and i can't turn the music on, whatever i do it just wont move, at these times i feel nothing, again this is to the extreme.

Everything is Black and white, there is no grey. This goes with everything, nothing is excluded from this.

The people around me never know how i am going to act, how i will respond to the things they say. Its like they are treading on eggshells.

If they say something that makes me angry i could go two ways. If they are lucky i will keep it all bottled up, i wont let them know the anger that is inside me. I go along with whatever they want. But that anger can get so strong that it is just fighting to get out. If i am keeping it bottled up then the only way out for that anger is to destroy something. That is normally myself, i will talk about this later. The other way i could deal with the anger is to take it out on the person i am angry with. I will shout, throw things i may start hurting myself as its the only way in which i can show how angry i am feeling. I ALWAYS regret this, i realise what i have done and i normally spiral into a deep depression. If my anger is really bad i will lash out Though this has only happened with my husband, mum and brother to my knowledge (apart from one time that i threw a chair and lashed out at a girl that had been bullying me for 5 years). I have been known to hit, kick, bite and dig nails into them. The scary part of this is that by the time i have reached that level of anger i have started to dissociate which means that i can have no memory of doing it after. When i realise what i have done i end up beating myself up for ages after. I hate myself so much for the things i do, the way i treat the people i love most.

I can go from really loving the person, to the point of idealization to devaluing them, hating them. I can't see a single nice thing about them and i don't want to be anywhere near to them and i will do anything to make sure i don't have to talk to them, at the same time i am begging them not to leave me on my own, i need them, i can't cope on my own. If they leave i feel abandoned and i hate them more. Its the black and white thing again.

Though its really hard for those around me seeing the way i act, being on the receiving end of the nasty things that i can do and say its nothing compared to the pain i am in. Not only do i do these things due to the strong intensity of my emotions, but i also have to cope with all the feelings after i realise what i have done. The hate the shame i end up so depressed. It seems like there is nothing in this world that i can do right, it seems like i ruin everything for everyone.

When i am depressed i can cry for hours, i feel suicidal, thoughts running through my head of ways i could do it. I think of self harm, ways i could do it but hide it from the world. I don't want people to know how i am feeling cus i don't want to hurt them. At the same time i would do anything to get someone to listen to what i am not saying, see the pain i am in and reach out and help me.

I find i can't ask for help, my emotions just get stronger and stronger my head feels like it is about to burst. So much stuff running through my head. All negative of course. My anxiety levels rise, they get higher and higher. I know i have two choices have a panic attack or cut. Option one means hours of feeling like i am dying. I feel sick, i can't breath properly. Sometimes i stop breathing till i can no longer hold it in, it feels like not breathing is the only control i have over my body. If i am breathing its normally so fast that i end up extremely dizzy, my chest is tight, my mouth is dry. I am crying and i can't stop the tears flooding out. When things get really bad i feel paralysed. I can't move a single muscle in my body, everything is tense and the pain is extreme. Not being able to move anything makes me panic more. This can last for hours. When its finally over your exhausted, you can do nothing but cry if your lucky. If not you feel numb, there are no feelings you are totally dissociated, you can't talk, you can hear people talking to you, but that feels a long way off. Its like you are not really there, you are looking from above at someone lying there totally helpless.

Option two seems so much better at the time. There is immediate release. All those thoughts and feelings float away. You are suddenly so much calmer. Head empty. Its all over in seconds.

But that doesn't last. Soon the feelings of guilt set in, you regret what you have done to your body. The pain that wasn't really there when you were cutting due to the dissociation suddenly hits you and reality sets in. You know someone is going to find out, they always do. You know that when that person finds out they will be so hurt by what you have done. And you end up depressed again. You can end up in a ridiculous cycle if you don't get out and learn skills with which to stop this from happening. Cutting is not the only way of hurting myself though. There are many forms. These range from the minor things, hitting, hair pulling, biting, pinching to the more major things of breaking bones, dislocating my joints (not hard since i can dislocate very easily due to the hypermobility syndrome) cutting, burning and friction burning. There are other forms i have used as well. I am not proud of what i do and i am trying my hardest to put this behind me. I would not recommend it to anyone.

This illness is not just limited to negative emotions, but can affect my positive emotions too meaning that positive emotions can very quickly become negative. When i am happy i have to be very careful to not get too hyper. When i get over excited i can get out of control. I have been known to tell people i can fly, run into busy roads, stood on top of a table (thankfully at home) wearing not much, dancing provocatively, and then went on to use a lamp stand to pole dance. On all of these occasions i was so hyper that i have no memories of them... well i have some of the table dancing and pole dancing, but i am unsure of whether this is planted memories from those that saw it telling me.

When i am manic i can also turn pretty nasty. I don't care about anyone around me. I will hurt them and think that i am the only one in the world that matters. I feel like i am the queen of the world. Nothing can bring me down.

As i have previously mentioned though, there are times when the sound control on my radio is stuck off. These are times when i am dissociated, i feel empty, i look at everything around me as if through someone else's eyes. Its pretty scary. Sometimes i can't cope with the feelings of emptiness so i self harm to try and feel something, anything. I don't care what, i just want to feel alive.

In these times of extreme emptiness i push everyone around me away. I refuse to talk to anyone. I can't talk to anyone, i seem to loose the ability. This hurts those around me. They think it is their fault, they think they have done something to hurt me and that i hate them. This could not be further from the truth. I want them to be near me so bad, but at the same time i just can't cope with that.

This is really hard for those around me as they never know where they stand with me or how i will act towards them. I am just continually hurting them. They try their hardest to help. To rationalise with me, but i wont listen. I will ignore what they are saying, believing that only what i am feeling is fact. I lose all perception of truth. I don't care about what people have to say

One of the major issues i have with my EID is the fear of being abandoned. I am always thinking that if my husband goes out for the evening that he will realise that he is better off without me and that he wont return. I am always sure that people will soon realise what i am like and they will abandon me. I will go to extreme lengths to stop people from going, i will clasp myself onto them and not let them go, i will stand in front of doors and not let them past unless they fight their way past. Though this just seems to reinforce the belief that they are indeed abandoning me. I will say things and treat people in such a way that i am constantly pushing them away from me so when they do go i can say 'i told you so'.

My head is constantly playing games with me and others around me. I get paranoid about the abandonment. If one person goes away, even if its just for a holiday, my mind tells me otherwise. It tells me that its all about me. They want to get away from me because they could cope no longer.

Someone leaving (like my care co-ordinator) is like the end of the world for me and it causes serious depression. I can't cope at all and my whole world seems to fall apart. I try to find ways to hate the person to make it easier for their going, but sometimes that is just not possible. They just seem to perfect and i just can't seem to find a thing that i can hate them over. This can often be because i idealize the person. In my eyes they just can't do any wrong. I know rationally this is not right as she is a sinner like myself and only christ Jesus has ever been perfect. But i just can't think rationally like that. I find it very hard to trust others and to make friends, so when i find someone that i feel i can trust i try and grasp onto them with all my might, but this often scares them away. So i can end up wanting the mental health workers to be my friends. When i don't feel like i have been treated very well by a worker i can be extra distraught because of this. I see them more as friends then i do workers. They tend to be safe people. People that you believe wont leave you because of the things you say, because of what you do, how you act etc. It feels like they will always be there for you. Though this means that if you do try and phone to get through and you can't you start believing its because they hate you rather then because they are working.

I also want to be perfect in everything i do and i find it very hard if i feel i have failed in anyway. But nothing i ever do is good enough, so i am constantly beating myself up for it. I believe that if i was better then people would like me more and that they would not leave me, that i would have more friends that actually cared about me and tried to understand what i am going through.

Having this illness can also have some ups too. It means that i can be very caring and loving, i can empathise with people that bit easier and i have a larger understanding of the world around me and those in it. It has taught me so much and has given me some great friends that i would have never met had i not had this illness. Though i would have preferred to have met them all for other reasons!!!

There is also never a boring moment in my life whether good or bad due to my colourful personality and my moods. Though it isn't all positive, the good times are great. When i am happy i am really happy which is just fantastic (when it doesn't lead to mania) and this has left some amazing memorise of good times!

It helps me to be a good listener and able to help others in the same or similar situations that i have been through. I think it is so much better being able to talk to someone who really knows what your going through and i am happy to be able to be one of those people.

I know i haven't really written to much positive stuff... but i find it really hard to say good things about myself and what i have written has been a huge stuggle.

If you have read all this, thank you. You deserve a gold medal.

I really hope that this doesn't make you view me in a bad/negative way. I am still the same person as i was before you read this... but i hope that it gives you an insight to what it is like to live with this illness.

Borderline personality disorder/ STEPPS

I have been doing a course called STEPPS to try and help with my BPD/emotional intensity disorder(EID)
This course is currently run in America and holland, for those of you in the UK this course (unless you are lucky enough to live in west sussex) is not available as of yet. I am seriously hoping that it will be made available soon. But that is dependant on the 60 or so of us that are currently doing the course and whether it is deemed helpful enough from the study that is going on. So fingers crossed guys that this course gets the go ahead from the powers that be, as i personally believe that this is a fantastic (but very hard) course.

I suggest (from the suggestion of my care co ordinator) that if you have BPD you tell your therapist and get them to look into it so if it does go ahead then they are one step ahead.

This is a link that explains the course in full and i recommend that you read it!
STEPPS course

If you know nothing about the disorder then can i recommend that you read this link
understanding borderline personality disorder

The link will be able to tell you the diagnostic criteria etc.

In the first week of STEPPS we looked at what BPD/EID is and how it affects us and a bit about what we need to do to be able to change.

One of the things that you need to do is take responsibility for your illness and have a willingness to change. I know that I personally put the blame of my illness onto other people and situations in my life for a long time and was very unwilling to change as i was scared of what i would become.

I learnt through my care co ordinator before the course that with this attitude there would be nothing that could be done to help me. So first i had to accept responsibility and had to accept the change that would happen. Only then was i ready to start the course.

In saying this you don't need total acceptance of the illness to be able to learn the skills and put them into practice, you need to be open-minded and just try to do what is asked.

Emotional intensity disorder (EID) is a better name for BPD as it describes the illness better.

I think that the best way to describe the disorder is the way in which my care co ordinator told me when i was first diagnosed. You have all the same emotions as everyone else, the difference is that your volume is turned onto max volume and you can't turn it down. All your emotions are to the absolute extreme. If your happy you could end up hypomanic; if depressed, seriously depressed. Etc. This goes for all emotions.

You are born with a biological sensitivity to the disorder. Now this does not mean that you will definitely go on to develop EID, but that you are more prone to it. Your emotions as a child may be slightly more intense than the avg. child due to the biological sensitivity. If those emotions are dealt with in the right way then you can go through life not developing the disorder. However if those emotions are not dealt with in the correct way or some sort of trauma occurs then it can go on to develop into EID. It's like you are born a square peg in a round hole, you don't quite fit in and people don't know the best way to deal with you, society pushes you out, so you don't learn the skills you need to develop good emotional health.

Many people are wrongly diagnosed as having bipolar due to the extremities in the mood.

This does not mean that the emotions being experienced and reactions to events can't be managed. You can learn skills to change this.

People with EID will function normally a fair amount of the time, but in amongst this will have intense episodes of emotions. These emotions will be many times stronger then those that a person without the disorder feel, and also tend to last a lot longer too. People with EID often try to cover these episodes so that others don't know how bad things really are. But this can lead to more problems.

The graph below can help explain what it's like to have EID.

The solid black line shows the person without EID. The horizontal dotted line shows the biological sensitivity. When the child is born their emotions start off being a lot higher then the person without EID. If a person without EID was to reach or go over that line they would be having a pretty serious nervous breakdown. Most people never reach that line. A person with EID will go over that line each time they have an emotional episode. It will also take them a lot longer to come down from there. On their way down something else could happen that puts their emotions back up again meaning that they spend hours up at that level. It takes

a lot longer for the person with EID emotions to come below that line again to a level that for most people would still be very difficult.

This means that a person with EID is very sensitive to things that are emotive, they have a very intense response to emotive situations and they are slow to return to the baseline after an episode has happened.

The side is intensity and the bottom is time (sorry the picture came out a bit to small on here)
An example of these intense emotions would be Paul telling me he that he has to start work the next day. People without EID would be mainly fine about that, maybe a bit upset that their husband is not going to be around during the day any more, but would probably be happy that they had managed to get a job. A person with EID would interpret that as being abandoned, get very upset and possibly have a panic attack. They may self harm or get really impulsive and they would probably go from idolizing the person to devaluing/hating them. You tend to not think rationally at all and everything gets thrown out of proportion. Because the thoughts/emotions are so powerful it can make it extremely hard to doubt the thoughts that are coming in and so you start to believe them as fact. If you don't have the skills with which to deal with these situations then it can last from several minutes to even hours. Because during an episode you you often keep the feelings hidden others around you can doubt that you are even feeling what you say you are. This often leads to more intense emotions and can cause you to doubt whether you really are feeling what you think you are.

A lot of damage can happen in relationships, whether that be friends or family when these emotionally intense episodes occur. It can cause you to shut them off or just be very disruptive. It can also be damaging in a physical way you could end up lashing out at others or yourself, you may wreck furniture or you may turn to alcohol or drugs.

Self harm or attempted suicide during these intense episodes are a form of relief from the overwhelming feelings that they are going through. It can often be the only way in which they can show how bad they are really feeling, sometimes as a cry for help. Self harm between episodes can be because they want to be able to feel something. Between these episodes another episode may be building up, but due to how frightening these episodes can be the person will keep pushing it down and sometimes the only way they can do this is by self harming.

As with all illnesses not everyone will have the same symptoms and they may appear in different ways from person to person. One person may be impulsive by binge eating, another through drink and drugs another through reckless driving some not at all.

I know this is long, but i wanted to give you a small insight into the disorder.

I can't believe how much writing this has helped me, i hope that it may be of help to someone out there too?!

I will try and write up my experience of having EID. (but you will all have to promise that you wont hate me for it as its not pretty stuff!!!)

*crawls out of hiding*

hey,
So here I am again after months of not being around... i'm sorry! So this will be a mammoth post... i apologise now!!!

Wow things have been really busy since the last time I posted! I had problems with being half homeless and having to stay in various places for rather a long time including over Christmas. Christmas was interesting in itself. The time leading up to it I had a lovely time spending time with Paul and also helping a mum who had broken her arm look after her 1 y/o baby! It was a really lovely time helping out there and i had great fun (and of course in my element). A few days before Christmas I was given pain relief (Bupernorphine) which made me very very drowsy, so I slept a lot The day after i started it I went to a wedding of one of Paul's best friends (Paul was best man) which was in Wales. Got to see a great friend of mine whilst staying in Wales which was very cool, and very exciting!!!!!!! The only problem with going to the wedding was that I missed Kai's 21st birthday which was really sad.

Christmas day came and half way through the day i went down with flu... a few days later followed a chest infection, and then a few days after that i went down with a wisdom tooth infection... so felt very ill, very tired and on 2 lots of anti- biotics.

The new year came whilst still ill, but with great laughter whilst playing silent football (an amazing game!!! hehe) and being in great fellowship.
About a week later I was able to move back into my flat, but was shortly given the extremely sad news of a very good friend of mines death... it was from a methadone overdose... the worst part of it was that i wasn't sure if he had professed a faith before he had died?

The day of Andy's funeral was also the day of the start of 'Noah's ark afloat' A mother and toddler service looking at the attributes of God we started by looking at 'God the creator (the world, followed by 'God the creator (people) and the latest one (weds just gone) was on ' God our rescuer' giving those who attended the gospel message! YAY
Andy's funeral was an extremely emotional day, which i did really struggle with... but it was really nice in a strange way to see old friends that i hadn't seen or spoken to for a while for whatever reason... and some good i really hope has come out of all this... but i will really have to see with that!!!!!!

Since then I can't think of anything really major that has happened... i have been spending each week helping to lead 'Noah's ark', Doing slightly more with 'jaffa' and next term will also help leading. So far i have been helping a lot with the prep work and have been helping the children a lot with their workbooks, esp our youngest girl who needs that lil bit of extra support. And then finally with 'good news club' on a Sunday morning. I have been teaching my group (well the girls as the boys are not that interested) the catechism. The girls LOVE it, and its such a joy to see them learning such important truths that i just wish someone had sat there and taught me when i was their age!!! It has taught me so much and i think they are all helping me a great deal with my personal walk with God! :) I love my work I do for the Lord and I give all the glory to him! Without him i wouldn't be able to teach these kids. PRAISE BE TO GOD!

I am getting closer and closer to being able to take my driving test...but i need to take my theory 1st, which i am finding a real struggle. :( However i LOVE driving and can't wait to get a car of my own and be able to have the freedom that comes with being able to drive!!!!

Its getting closer and closer to mine and Paul's wedding day... and i really can't wait now! Things are all starting to fall more into place now, but with several hiccups that i am sure that we will be able to sort out with a little more time! Next job... making the invites!!!

I've been ill for the last 5.5 weeks... started with the flu virus and mild gastroenteritis. Most of my symptoms have gone away now... but i still have very swollen and extremely painful glands (that hurt enough to keep me up at night) and am extremely tired all the time... have No idea what is wrong, but just wish that i would get better as i have hit fed up point!!! :( Oh well

OHHHH one bit of important news that has happened was the birth of Oliver Leo born 15th jan. will put a pic at the end of this post. Ollie is now 10weeks old... wow time really does fly by! Alex is loving his baby brother and Ollie adores him too!

well i should really leave this here for now!!! Its already VERY long so i wont bore any readers any more.

1st: ollie 1 day old 2nd: just under a month old




























Praise God points

• for the safe arrival of ollie
• for most of the wedding planning going well
• for all the work i do at church/all the work that happens at church, and the success of Noah's ark afloat at the end of each month
• for my flat being almost back to normal
• for providing me with a pain relief that half works for me!
• For the marriage of Sam and Ami
• For my love for Paul!
• For my driving going well
• for being such a BIG and AWESOME God!!!!!!

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am here... just!

Hey guys!
I thought that for now i would write a really (and i mean it this time LOL) post to let you know that i know i promised more blog posts but things have been difficult with the death of a family member and also a great friend... and now i am kinda half homeless... i have a home... am just unable to live in it... will explain more when i have more time... but i can't really write much right now as am on the family who i am staying with computer and others want to get on.
I am also waiting for paul... which i am very excited about:)
well when i have a bit more time (hopefully soon!) then i will try and write more... until then byeee

Praise God points

- for providing me with places to stay
- for bringing me out of the depression that i was in
- for keeping me safe
- for the exciting news i got the other day
- for providing me with an occupational therapist/friend
- for my mum, dad and brother

AMEN!!!!

New blog design...

Yes lil old me has managed to work out how to add stuff to my template.
I am so excited that i have managed to work out how to do it! So guys, what do you think of the new style?? I know that its not that different, but its a start at least! hehe
Makes me feel that i should keep this blog a little bit more updated to... there is no point in me updating my blog design if i am going to blog as little as i have been... So i am going to try and blog a little more often... however i am not going to promise anything!

I also want to say a HUGE sorry to my mum Julie, i seemed to say 'thank you' to to many other people in my last blog... but missed off my mum. So mum i am sorry!
I want to take this moment to thank you for the help that you have given me towards this wedding to! Thanks for helping to design the idea for the invites, and for agreeing to help me make them. Love you lots!

So there we have it, a new blog design, and agreeing to try and update it more often! You have it in writting, so now i have no excuse. This also is not the 2nd blog post that i was talking about, so i suppose i should do that post to, if not tonight, tomorrow as i do have a lot of stuff to do right now and i am very tired!!!

Take care all, and i hope all are well?!

Praise God points

- for giving me the strength to get through Noah's ark this morning
- for giving me a friend in my mum and dad!! Also my brother Simon.
- for the love that your pour out to your people
- for being such a mighty and powerful God!

Amen!

Wedding update.

well this is probably one of 2 posts that i am about to do... that is unless of course i get distracted, in which case i appologise.

So, how am i doing with wedding planning....?
Really well actually... Not really that much to do for a while now! Paul booked the church months ago and paul's mum booked the reception venue... which i must say is AMAZING! Thanks so much kate for the work you put in organising the venue! :)
The car was booked, and i have booked my horse and carriage... this you see is my biggest dream for my wedding, and it all stemed from being bridesmaid to my Godmum when i was about 4, as she had horse and carriages as transport. I loved it, and since then i have wanted this for myself. It will also be really nice for my dad to travel with me, as i know how much he wanted to travel this way for his wedding, but was unable. So he can kinda live his dream through me. The dress is bought (yes i know i have told you some of this before). Photographer is booked finally, and so is the florist.
I know who my bridesmaids are... my best friend rachel, Sarah,a good friend from back in hurst where i used to live, Bizzy, a very good friend that i met on the net about 5 years ago... we became very close and paul and my brother simon are also good friends with her... I can't wait to finally meet her in person! Then my 2 little bridesmaids Hattie and Mimi. I then have Alex as my pageboy!
Paul has his bestman sorted and his ushers, we even have a friend being our toast master!!:)
Then as of yesterday, i have someone to do my hair and make-up, my friend Rachel F from church who is a qualified hair and beauty specialist.
So things are going really well with the planning!!!!:) I have a design in mind for the invites and stuff, and will prob start making those in about jan time!
Our cake is going to be made by my grandma and decorated by my grandad, which is cool!! My grandma makes a fab fruit cake!
So yes things are well underway there...


wow, time is going so fast... it won't be long until i am married at this rate!

On the wedding theme, i want to say a HUGE CONGRATULATIONS to MEX and N. on their engagement!!!!!
I am so happy for you guys! You two make such a beautiful couple and you enjoy so much happiness together! Mex, N is a great guy, you have found someone truely special to share the rest of your life with, treause him! And N. the same for you, you have got one of the most amazing partners there is! look after her! Its SO exciting!:)

I can't wait to be able to be with Paul forever. It really sucks only being able to see each other every couple of weeks... but i have adjusted again as i knew i would eventually! It is hard not having him around. But knowing that he is doing such an amazing job is very comforting.

Praise God points!

- for all the wedding prep going well
- for the love you have given paul and i
- for all the support recieved for the wedding
- for being there in time of need

AMEN!!!