slava na boga

Filters.

2008-05-20T22:35:00.000Z

Ok, I am back again to tell you more about what I have learned through being on STEPPS.

In our second week we learnt about filters.

Filters are a bit like the negative side of rose tinted spectacles, what you see is not the truth. When you are put into a situation that causes negative thoughts these thoughts are often fuelled by filters. This part of the course I have probably found the most helpful. It has been great to see how my thoughts are affected by seeing things through glasses that constantly warp my vision.

So what are these filters? Well I don't think I can actually write them out here plainly as I think that would be stepping on copyright laws. But I will try and explain what they are about.

If you are looking through these filters then you may believe that your emotional needs are not being met. You may think that someone is not caring for you in the way you think that you deserve. This can mean that you always want to be independent from others and may not ask or accept any help from anyone else. These filters can also cause you not to trust someone. You may think that if you put any trust in a person that they will go against you or maybe even abuse you in some way. So you end up expecting bad things to happen all the time. You can also end up pushing others away so that this can not happen.

You can be forever thinking that the people that you are close to are going to leave you. As I said in my previous post, I really struggle with abandonment and this is something that I am really having to work on in my therapy. It really hurts those involved including yourself. Because you are always worried that someone is going to leave you, you can end up going to extreme lengths to try and keep them there. The other thing that you can end up doing is pushing the person away thinking that if you break the friendship up first then it will be less painful. From experience this doesn't normally work. Them going may in itself be less painful, but often it still causes pain because you have to find reasons to hate the person to make it easier to push them away. This is what can then be painful. As I have said, this is my experience of this anyway.

You can believe that you are different from other people in a negative way. I personally think that if I let people in past my barriers that they will see the 'real' me and they will hate me for this. They will see how different I am in a negative way and hate me for it. This can make me very sensitive to anything people say to me that I could interpret as being negative. It also makes me very sensitive if I think that someone is rejecting me in some way. It makes me very insecure and means that in social situations I can feel very uncomfortable as I always think that people see me as being as bad as I see myself. I hate myself and a lot of the things that I do and this is due to this filter kicking in. It stops me from being able to see the good things. And if I do see good things about myself I then feel extremely guilty for it.

I have a huge fear of failure and this is due to 2 more of my filters, one of them makes me think that I am unable of achieving anything good or doing any thing right I wont even try as I am afraid that if I do try then I will fail it. This fear of failure can happen in any area of my life and I often just feel totally stupid. I compare myself to people that are more clever then I am to try and prove that what I am feeling is true. The other one of these (as i have found that these two seem to often go together), means that what ever I do it is not good enough for me and so I assume it won't be good enough for anyone else either. This is my perfectionist side. I will do anything to try and avoid criticism and this means setting myself very high standards. The thing is it doesn't matter how well I do actually do at anything, it could ALWAYS be better and so I beat myself up for it. I am very critical of all that I do. When I do get going on something then I find it very hard to stop until I deem that I have finished and that it's acceptable to me (normally its acceptable to others before it is myself and people are shouting at me to stop, but I am just unable to). This puts a lot of stress and pressure on me and it can get me very down. So I often just won't start anything to avoid it. Very black and white behaviour.

There are 2 others that go together very well too. One of these means that I am always sacrificing my needs to put other peoples needs before me. This isn't itself a bad thing but when it kicks in it's often totally over the top. If I do not do this then I will feel awful and will end up beating myself up. I have huge amounts of guilt (can you see how other filters often fit in with each other?) Because doing this means that your needs are not met you can end up getting really annoyed at the person that you are helping. For me this often happens when I am in a lot of pain or really tired and I feel I have to help someone else and ignore my pain. Though I am getting a lot better at being able to say no. But this leaves me with a huge sense of guilt.

Often you end up doing this as a form of submission. You believe that if you do not do this then the other person will be angry at you or abandon you and you want to do everything you can to avoid this. You give up all your emotions and thoughts because you feel that you have to agree with the other person. You can end up confused with your identity and believe that your thoughts and feelings are not actually important. Your emotions are normally pushed down when this filter is in action as you feel you are not allowed to show your emotions due to them not being important. You always put the other person first even if that means that your needs are not met. You won't even let the other person know if there are any needs that need to be met. This normally means that if the other person finds out that you have been keeping something hidden from them then they can get angry and very upset. This just seems to reinforce that you should not let anyone know the way that you are thinking or feeling and just pay full attention to the other person's thoughts and feelings.

The next filter means that I am always thinking that everything will go wrong. That nothing in my life will ever go the way I want it to/ go right. Everything seems to be a major disaster and things are made mountains out of molehills when it's not at all necessary for that to happen. You think that you will never be able to handle what life throws at you, things will never change. So to avoid this you try and shut yourself away, believing that if you're shut away nothing bad can happen to you. I have often been known to tell people that I am not leaving my bed that way no one can hurt me. This is pretty excessive, but you believe that this is totally necessary.

The last filter is one that I notice in people all the time, not just myself. It seems to be human nature. That is that we believe that we should be able to say, think or do whatever we want when we want. If you want a hug or a kiss you want it right then and there, no waiting. If I am made to wait then I think the person hates me or I get angry because I think I deserve it right then. Nothing is going to persuade me otherwise. I am the queen and I should get what I want when I want it, no questions asked. You don't care about what others want or need and you can push people away from you whether intentional or not. You also are not aware of long term consequences of your actions when this filter is in action. This is basically selfishness.

These filters are things that everyone uses to some degree, but people with EID tend to use them more often.

In my next post I will talk about challenging these filters.

my life with Emotional intensity disorder

2008-05-13T21:49:00.001Z

WARNING may trigger!!!

I have an illness called borderline personality disorder, but i don't like to call it that. I prefer the name that my care co-ordinator told me when i was first diagnosed just over a year ago. This name is emotional intensity disorder. I believe that this describes the illness better than BPD.

BPD doesn't really tell you anything about the illness, other then that its a personality disorder. What does it mean to be borderline anyway? Borderline what?

EID isn't a perfect name either, but for me it is a lot better then all the other names out there.

Why am i referring to this disorder as an illness not a disorder? For me calling it an illness makes it feel more manageable, its like its no different to having any of the physical health problems. Its like its no different to a broken leg. The difference being that it is something that is wrong with my brain, some of my brain got wired a bit funny whilst i was growing up. This part of my brain is the part that regulates my emotions. With hard work and determination i hope i can undo this wiring and rewire it in a way which means that i can function better. I can teach myself ways in which i can deal with situations in different ways which means that my emotions wont be as extreme as they are at the moment.

People i tell about this illness seem to automatically think that i am schizophrenic, that i have more than one personality and they joke about it. This is not the case at all. So i am about to write this so that you can understand what it is really like to suffer from this illness. It's not pretty... in fact it's pretty ugly. All i ask is that you don't judge me for it. Believe me when i say that i am changing and that i don't like the negative parts of this any more than any of you reading this will.

The way EID was first described to me was that i was a bit like a radio, i have put some music on and turned the music right up, it's to loud so i try to turn it down, and i can't its stuck. I have the same emotions as someone without the illness but all my emotions are to the extreme.

However sometimes the dial is stuck and i can't turn the music on, whatever i do it just wont move, at these times i feel nothing, again this is to the extreme.

Everything is Black and white, there is no grey. This goes with everything, nothing is excluded from this.

The people around me never know how i am going to act, how i will respond to the things they say. Its like they are treading on eggshells.

If they say something that makes me angry i could go two ways. If they are lucky i will keep it all bottled up, i wont let them know the anger that is inside me. I go along with whatever they want. But that anger can get so strong that it is just fighting to get out. If i am keeping it bottled up then the only way out for that anger is to destroy something. That is normally myself, i will talk about this later. The other way i could deal with the anger is to take it out on the person i am angry with. I will shout, throw things i may start hurting myself as its the only way in which i can show how angry i am feeling. I ALWAYS regret this, i realise what i have done and i normally spiral into a deep depression. If my anger is really bad i will lash out Though this has only happened with my husband, mum and brother to my knowledge (apart from one time that i threw a chair and lashed out at a girl that had been bullying me for 5 years). I have been known to hit, kick, bite and dig nails into them. The scary part of this is that by the time i have reached that level of anger i have started to dissociate which means that i can have no memory of doing it after. When i realise what i have done i end up beating myself up for ages after. I hate myself so much for the things i do, the way i treat the people i love most.

I can go from really loving the person, to the point of idealization to devaluing them, hating them. I can't see a single nice thing about them and i don't want to be anywhere near to them and i will do anything to make sure i don't have to talk to them, at the same time i am begging them not to leave me on my own, i need them, i can't cope on my own. If they leave i feel abandoned and i hate them more. Its the black and white thing again.

Though its really hard for those around me seeing the way i act, being on the receiving end of the nasty things that i can do and say its nothing compared to the pain i am in. Not only do i do these things due to the strong intensity of my emotions, but i also have to cope with all the feelings after i realise what i have done. The hate the shame i end up so depressed. It seems like there is nothing in this world that i can do right, it seems like i ruin everything for everyone.

When i am depressed i can cry for hours, i feel suicidal, thoughts running through my head of ways i could do it. I think of self harm, ways i could do it but hide it from the world. I don't want people to know how i am feeling cus i don't want to hurt them. At the same time i would do anything to get someone to listen to what i am not saying, see the pain i am in and reach out and help me.

I find i can't ask for help, my emotions just get stronger and stronger my head feels like it is about to burst. So much stuff running through my head. All negative of course. My anxiety levels rise, they get higher and higher. I know i have two choices have a panic attack or cut. Option one means hours of feeling like i am dying. I feel sick, i can't breath properly. Sometimes i stop breathing till i can no longer hold it in, it feels like not breathing is the only control i have over my body. If i am breathing its normally so fast that i end up extremely dizzy, my chest is tight, my mouth is dry. I am crying and i can't stop the tears flooding out. When things get really bad i feel paralysed. I can't move a single muscle in my body, everything is tense and the pain is extreme. Not being able to move anything makes me panic more. This can last for hours. When its finally over your exhausted, you can do nothing but cry if your lucky. If not you feel numb, there are no feelings you are totally dissociated, you can't talk, you can hear people talking to you, but that feels a long way off. Its like you are not really there, you are looking from above at someone lying there totally helpless.

Option two seems so much better at the time. There is immediate release. All those thoughts and feelings float away. You are suddenly so much calmer. Head empty. Its all over in seconds.

But that doesn't last. Soon the feelings of guilt set in, you regret what you have done to your body. The pain that wasn't really there when you were cutting due to the dissociation suddenly hits you and reality sets in. You know someone is going to find out, they always do. You know that when that person finds out they will be so hurt by what you have done. And you end up depressed again. You can end up in a ridiculous cycle if you don't get out and learn skills with which to stop this from happening. Cutting is not the only way of hurting myself though. There are many forms. These range from the minor things, hitting, hair pulling, biting, pinching to the more major things of breaking bones, dislocating my joints (not hard since i can dislocate very easily due to the hypermobility syndrome) cutting, burning and friction burning. There are other forms i have used as well. I am not proud of what i do and i am trying my hardest to put this behind me. I would not recommend it to anyone.

This illness is not just limited to negative emotions, but can affect my positive emotions too meaning that positive emotions can very quickly become negative. When i am happy i have to be very careful to not get too hyper. When i get over excited i can get out of control. I have been known to tell people i can fly, run into busy roads, stood on top of a table (thankfully at home) wearing not much, dancing provocatively, and then went on to use a lamp stand to pole dance. On all of these occasions i was so hyper that i have no memories of them... well i have some of the table dancing and pole dancing, but i am unsure of whether this is planted memories from those that saw it telling me.

When i am manic i can also turn pretty nasty. I don't care about anyone around me. I will hurt them and think that i am the only one in the world that matters. I feel like i am the queen of the world. Nothing can bring me down.

As i have previously mentioned though, there are times when the sound control on my radio is stuck off. These are times when i am dissociated, i feel empty, i look at everything around me as if through someone else's eyes. Its pretty scary. Sometimes i can't cope with the feelings of emptiness so i self harm to try and feel something, anything. I don't care what, i just want to feel alive.

In these times of extreme emptiness i push everyone around me away. I refuse to talk to anyone. I can't talk to anyone, i seem to loose the ability. This hurts those around me. They think it is their fault, they think they have done something to hurt me and that i hate them. This could not be further from the truth. I want them to be near me so bad, but at the same time i just can't cope with that.

This is really hard for those around me as they never know where they stand with me or how i will act towards them. I am just continually hurting them. They try their hardest to help. To rationalise with me, but i wont listen. I will ignore what they are saying, believing that only what i am feeling is fact. I lose all perception of truth. I don't care about what people have to say

One of the major issues i have with my EID is the fear of being abandoned. I am always thinking that if my husband goes out for the evening that he will realise that he is better off without me and that he wont return. I am always sure that people will soon realise what i am like and they will abandon me. I will go to extreme lengths to stop people from going, i will clasp myself onto them and not let them go, i will stand in front of doors and not let them past unless they fight their way past. Though this just seems to reinforce the belief that they are indeed abandoning me. I will say things and treat people in such a way that i am constantly pushing them away from me so when they do go i can say 'i told you so'.

My head is constantly playing games with me and others around me. I get paranoid about the abandonment. If one person goes away, even if its just for a holiday, my mind tells me otherwise. It tells me that its all about me. They want to get away from me because they could cope no longer.

Someone leaving (like my care co-ordinator) is like the end of the world for me and it causes serious depression. I can't cope at all and my whole world seems to fall apart. I try to find ways to hate the person to make it easier for their going, but sometimes that is just not possible. They just seem to perfect and i just can't seem to find a thing that i can hate them over. This can often be because i idealize the person. In my eyes they just can't do any wrong. I know rationally this is not right as she is a sinner like myself and only christ Jesus has ever been perfect. But i just can't think rationally like that. I find it very hard to trust others and to make friends, so when i find someone that i feel i can trust i try and grasp onto them with all my might, but this often scares them away. So i can end up wanting the mental health workers to be my friends. When i don't feel like i have been treated very well by a worker i can be extra distraught because of this. I see them more as friends then i do workers. They tend to be safe people. People that you believe wont leave you because of the things you say, because of what you do, how you act etc. It feels like they will always be there for you. Though this means that if you do try and phone to get through and you can't you start believing its because they hate you rather then because they are working.

I also want to be perfect in everything i do and i find it very hard if i feel i have failed in anyway. But nothing i ever do is good enough, so i am constantly beating myself up for it. I believe that if i was better then people would like me more and that they would not leave me, that i would have more friends that actually cared about me and tried to understand what i am going through.

Having this illness can also have some ups too. It means that i can be very caring and loving, i can empathise with people that bit easier and i have a larger understanding of the world around me and those in it. It has taught me so much and has given me some great friends that i would have never met had i not had this illness. Though i would have preferred to have met them all for other reasons!!!

There is also never a boring moment in my life whether good or bad due to my colourful personality and my moods. Though it isn't all positive, the good times are great. When i am happy i am really happy which is just fantastic (when it doesn't lead to mania) and this has left some amazing memorise of good times!

It helps me to be a good listener and able to help others in the same or similar situations that i have been through. I think it is so much better being able to talk to someone who really knows what your going through and i am happy to be able to be one of those people.

I know i haven't really written to much positive stuff... but i find it really hard to say good things about myself and what i have written has been a huge stuggle.

If you have read all this, thank you. You deserve a gold medal.

I really hope that this doesn't make you view me in a bad/negative way. I am still the same person as i was before you read this... but i hope that it gives you an insight to what it is like to live with this illness.

Borderline personality disorder/ STEPPS

2008-04-17T11:23:00.004Z

I have been doing a course called STEPPS to try and help with my BPD/emotional intensity disorder(EID)
This course is currently run in America and holland, for those of you in the UK this course (unless you are lucky enough to live in west sussex) is not available as of yet. I am seriously hoping that it will be made available soon. But that is dependant on the 60 or so of us that are currently doing the course and whether it is deemed helpful enough from the study that is going on. So fingers crossed guys that this course gets the go ahead from the powers that be, as i personally believe that this is a fantastic (but very hard) course.

I suggest (from the suggestion of my care co ordinator) that if you have BPD you tell your therapist and get them to look into it so if it does go ahead then they are one step ahead.

This is a link that explains the course in full and i recommend that you read it!
STEPPS course

If you know nothing about the disorder then can i recommend that you read this link
understanding borderline personality disorder

The link will be able to tell you the diagnostic criteria etc.

In the first week of STEPPS we looked at what BPD/EID is and how it affects us and a bit about what we need to do to be able to change.

One of the things that you need to do is take responsibility for your illness and have a willingness to change. I know that I personally put the blame of my illness onto other people and situations in my life for a long time and was very unwilling to change as i was scared of what i would become.

I learnt through my care co ordinator before the course that with this attitude there would be nothing that could be done to help me. So first i had to accept responsibility and had to accept the change that would happen. Only then was i ready to start the course.

In saying this you don't need total acceptance of the illness to be able to learn the skills and put them into practice, you need to be open-minded and just try to do what is asked.

Emotional intensity disorder (EID) is a better name for BPD as it describes the illness better.

I think that the best way to describe the disorder is the way in which my care co ordinator told me when i was first diagnosed. You have all the same emotions as everyone else, the difference is that your volume is turned onto max volume and you can't turn it down. All your emotions are to the absolute extreme. If your happy you could end up hypomanic; if depressed, seriously depressed. Etc. This goes for all emotions.

You are born with a biological sensitivity to the disorder. Now this does not mean that you will definitely go on to develop EID, but that you are more prone to it. Your emotions as a child may be slightly more intense than the avg. child due to the biological sensitivity. If those emotions are dealt with in the right way then you can go through life not developing the disorder. However if those emotions are not dealt with in the correct way or some sort of trauma occurs then it can go on to develop into EID. It's like you are born a square peg in a round hole, you don't quite fit in and people don't know the best way to deal with you, society pushes you out, so you don't learn the skills you need to develop good emotional health.

Many people are wrongly diagnosed as having bipolar due to the extremities in the mood.

This does not mean that the emotions being experienced and reactions to events can't be managed. You can learn skills to change this.

People with EID will function normally a fair amount of the time, but in amongst this will have intense episodes of emotions. These emotions will be many times stronger then those that a person without the disorder feel, and also tend to last a lot longer too. People with EID often try to cover these episodes so that others don't know how bad things really are. But this can lead to more problems.

The graph below can help explain what it's like to have EID.

The solid black line shows the person without EID. The horizontal dotted line shows the biological sensitivity. When the child is born their emotions start off being a lot higher then the person without EID. If a person without EID was to reach or go over that line they would be having a pretty serious nervous breakdown. Most people never reach that line. A person with EID will go over that line each time they have an emotional episode. It will also take them a lot longer to come down from there. On their way down something else could happen that puts their emotions back up again meaning that they spend hours up at that level. It takes

a lot longer for the person with EID emotions to come below that line again to a level that for most people would still be very difficult.

This means that a person with EID is very sensitive to things that are emotive, they have a very intense response to emotive situations and they are slow to return to the baseline after an episode has happened.

The side is intensity and the bottom is time (sorry the picture came out a bit to small on here)
An example of these intense emotions would be Paul telling me he that he has to start work the next day. People without EID would be mainly fine about that, maybe a bit upset that their husband is not going to be around during the day any more, but would probably be happy that they had managed to get a job. A person with EID would interpret that as being abandoned, get very upset and possibly have a panic attack. They may self harm or get really impulsive and they would probably go from idolizing the person to devaluing/hating them. You tend to not think rationally at all and everything gets thrown out of proportion. Because the thoughts/emotions are so powerful it can make it extremely hard to doubt the thoughts that are coming in and so you start to believe them as fact. If you don't have the skills with which to deal with these situations then it can last from several minutes to even hours. Because during an episode you you often keep the feelings hidden others around you can doubt that you are even feeling what you say you are. This often leads to more intense emotions and can cause you to doubt whether you really are feeling what you think you are.

A lot of damage can happen in relationships, whether that be friends or family when these emotionally intense episodes occur. It can cause you to shut them off or just be very disruptive. It can also be damaging in a physical way you could end up lashing out at others or yourself, you may wreck furniture or you may turn to alcohol or drugs.

Self harm or attempted suicide during these intense episodes are a form of relief from the overwhelming feelings that they are going through. It can often be the only way in which they can show how bad they are really feeling, sometimes as a cry for help. Self harm between episodes can be because they want to be able to feel something. Between these episodes another episode may be building up, but due to how frightening these episodes can be the person will keep pushing it down and sometimes the only way they can do this is by self harming.

As with all illnesses not everyone will have the same symptoms and they may appear in different ways from person to person. One person may be impulsive by binge eating, another through drink and drugs another through reckless driving some not at all.

I know this is long, but i wanted to give you a small insight into the disorder.

I can't believe how much writing this has helped me, i hope that it may be of help to someone out there too?!

I will try and write up my experience of having EID. (but you will all have to promise that you wont hate me for it as its not pretty stuff!!!)

crawls out of hiding

2007-03-29T19:20:00.000Z

hey,
So here I am again after months of not being around... i'm sorry! So this will be a mammoth post... i apologise now!!!

Wow things have been really busy since the last time I posted! I had problems with being half homeless and having to stay in various places for rather a long time including over Christmas. Christmas was interesting in itself. The time leading up to it I had a lovely time spending time with Paul and also helping a mum who had broken her arm look after her 1 y/o baby! It was a really lovely time helping out there and i had great fun (and of course in my element). A few days before Christmas I was given pain relief (Bupernorphine) which made me very very drowsy, so I slept a lot The day after i started it I went to a wedding of one of Paul's best friends (Paul was best man) which was in Wales. Got to see a great friend of mine whilst staying in Wales which was very cool, and very exciting!!!!!!! The only problem with going to the wedding was that I missed Kai's 21st birthday which was really sad.

Christmas day came and half way through the day i went down with flu... a few days later followed a chest infection, and then a few days after that i went down with a wisdom tooth infection... so felt very ill, very tired and on 2 lots of anti- biotics.

The new year came whilst still ill, but with great laughter whilst playing silent football (an amazing game!!! hehe) and being in great fellowship.
About a week later I was able to move back into my flat, but was shortly given the extremely sad news of a very good friend of mines death... it was from a methadone overdose... the worst part of it was that i wasn't sure if he had professed a faith before he had died?

The day of Andy's funeral was also the day of the start of 'Noah's ark afloat' A mother and toddler service looking at the attributes of God we started by looking at 'God the creator (the world, followed by 'God the creator (people) and the latest one (weds just gone) was on ' God our rescuer' giving those who attended the gospel message! YAY
Andy's funeral was an extremely emotional day, which i did really struggle with... but it was really nice in a strange way to see old friends that i hadn't seen or spoken to for a while for whatever reason... and some good i really hope has come out of all this... but i will really have to see with that!!!!!!

Since then I can't think of anything really major that has happened... i have been spending each week helping to lead 'Noah's ark', Doing slightly more with 'jaffa' and next term will also help leading. So far i have been helping a lot with the prep work and have been helping the children a lot with their workbooks, esp our youngest girl who needs that lil bit of extra support. And then finally with 'good news club' on a Sunday morning. I have been teaching my group (well the girls as the boys are not that interested) the catechism. The girls LOVE it, and its such a joy to see them learning such important truths that i just wish someone had sat there and taught me when i was their age!!! It has taught me so much and i think they are all helping me a great deal with my personal walk with God! :) I love my work I do for the Lord and I give all the glory to him! Without him i wouldn't be able to teach these kids. PRAISE BE TO GOD!

I am getting closer and closer to being able to take my driving test...but i need to take my theory 1st, which i am finding a real struggle. :( However i LOVE driving and can't wait to get a car of my own and be able to have the freedom that comes with being able to drive!!!!

Its getting closer and closer to mine and Paul's wedding day... and i really can't wait now! Things are all starting to fall more into place now, but with several hiccups that i am sure that we will be able to sort out with a little more time! Next job... making the invites!!!

I've been ill for the last 5.5 weeks... started with the flu virus and mild gastroenteritis. Most of my symptoms have gone away now... but i still have very swollen and extremely painful glands (that hurt enough to keep me up at night) and am extremely tired all the time... have No idea what is wrong, but just wish that i would get better as i have hit fed up point!!! :( Oh well

OHHHH one bit of important news that has happened was the birth of Oliver Leo born 15th jan. will put a pic at the end of this post. Ollie is now 10weeks old... wow time really does fly by! Alex is loving his baby brother and Ollie adores him too!

well i should really leave this here for now!!! Its already VERY long so i wont bore any readers any more.

1st: ollie 1 day old 2nd: just under a month old

Praise God points

for the safe arrival of ollie
for most of the wedding planning going well
for all the work i do at church/all the work that happens at church, and the success of Noah's ark afloat at the end of each month
for my flat being almost back to normal
for providing me with a pain relief that half works for me!
For the marriage of Sam and Ami
For my love for Paul!
For my driving going well
for being such a BIG and AWESOME God!!!!!!

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am here... just!

2006-12-02T11:42:00.000Z

Hey guys!
I thought that for now i would write a really (and i mean it this time LOL) post to let you know that i know i promised more blog posts but things have been difficult with the death of a family member and also a great friend... and now i am kinda half homeless... i have a home... am just unable to live in it... will explain more when i have more time... but i can't really write much right now as am on the family who i am staying with computer and others want to get on.
I am also waiting for paul... which i am very excited about:)
well when i have a bit more time (hopefully soon!) then i will try and write more... until then byeee

Praise God points

- for providing me with places to stay
- for bringing me out of the depression that i was in
- for keeping me safe
- for the exciting news i got the other day
- for providing me with an occupational therapist/friend
- for my mum, dad and brother

AMEN!!!!

New blog design...

2006-10-17T18:34:00.000Z

Yes lil old me has managed to work out how to add stuff to my template.
I am so excited that i have managed to work out how to do it! So guys, what do you think of the new style?? I know that its not that different, but its a start at least! hehe
Makes me feel that i should keep this blog a little bit more updated to... there is no point in me updating my blog design if i am going to blog as little as i have been... So i am going to try and blog a little more often... however i am not going to promise anything!

I also want to say a HUGE sorry to my mum Julie, i seemed to say 'thank you' to to many other people in my last blog... but missed off my mum. So mum i am sorry!
I want to take this moment to thank you for the help that you have given me towards this wedding to! Thanks for helping to design the idea for the invites, and for agreeing to help me make them. Love you lots!

So there we have it, a new blog design, and agreeing to try and update it more often! You have it in writting, so now i have no excuse. This also is not the 2nd blog post that i was talking about, so i suppose i should do that post to, if not tonight, tomorrow as i do have a lot of stuff to do right now and i am very tired!!!

Take care all, and i hope all are well?!

Praise God points

- for giving me the strength to get through Noah's ark this morning
- for giving me a friend in my mum and dad!! Also my brother Simon.
- for the love that your pour out to your people
- for being such a mighty and powerful God!

Amen!

Wedding update.

2006-10-16T11:11:00.000Z

well this is probably one of 2 posts that i am about to do... that is unless of course i get distracted, in which case i appologise.

So, how am i doing with wedding planning....?
Really well actually... Not really that much to do for a while now! Paul booked the church months ago and paul's mum booked the reception venue... which i must say is AMAZING! Thanks so much kate for the work you put in organising the venue! :)
The car was booked, and i have booked my horse and carriage... this you see is my biggest dream for my wedding, and it all stemed from being bridesmaid to my Godmum when i was about 4, as she had horse and carriages as transport. I loved it, and since then i have wanted this for myself. It will also be really nice for my dad to travel with me, as i know how much he wanted to travel this way for his wedding, but was unable. So he can kinda live his dream through me. The dress is bought (yes i know i have told you some of this before). Photographer is booked finally, and so is the florist.
I know who my bridesmaids are... my best friend rachel, Sarah,a good friend from back in hurst where i used to live, Bizzy, a very good friend that i met on the net about 5 years ago... we became very close and paul and my brother simon are also good friends with her... I can't wait to finally meet her in person! Then my 2 little bridesmaids Hattie and Mimi. I then have Alex as my pageboy!
Paul has his bestman sorted and his ushers, we even have a friend being our toast master!!:)
Then as of yesterday, i have someone to do my hair and make-up, my friend Rachel F from church who is a qualified hair and beauty specialist.
So things are going really well with the planning!!!!:) I have a design in mind for the invites and stuff, and will prob start making those in about jan time!
Our cake is going to be made by my grandma and decorated by my grandad, which is cool!! My grandma makes a fab fruit cake!
So yes things are well underway there...

wow, time is going so fast... it won't be long until i am married at this rate!

On the wedding theme, i want to say a HUGE CONGRATULATIONS to MEX and N. on their engagement!!!!!
I am so happy for you guys! You two make such a beautiful couple and you enjoy so much happiness together! Mex, N is a great guy, you have found someone truely special to share the rest of your life with, treause him! And N. the same for you, you have got one of the most amazing partners there is! look after her! Its SO exciting!:)

I can't wait to be able to be with Paul forever. It really sucks only being able to see each other every couple of weeks... but i have adjusted again as i knew i would eventually! It is hard not having him around. But knowing that he is doing such an amazing job is very comforting.

Praise God points!

- for all the wedding prep going well
- for the love you have given paul and i
- for all the support recieved for the wedding
- for being there in time of need

AMEN!!!

who are you? video on you tube.

2006-09-10T20:59:00.000Z

I found THIS video on you tube... it really moved me, and reminded me of how amazing God is that he choose to save these people from there sins, that he sent his son to die on a cross for them. WOW.
Words can not express how awesome and loving our gracious God is.
He could have left the drug addict to everlasting death, or every other sinner (meaning everyone) that he created. But he knew that would not give him all the glory that he deserves, so he did something about it, he chose to give some of his children everlasting life.
What an awesome God we have!!!!
Please watch the video, even if you are not a christian, and please just take a moment or two to think it over... even if at the end of it you still think its a load of rubbish or whatever, please give it a go.
Thank you.

On another point... i got to see Paul this w/e and it was AMAZING!!!
We have now packed him off and sent him to London.
It will now probably be several weeks before i see him again, but i know that i will deff see him on the 30th sept when i go on a meet up in London! Please if you are a christian reading this remember to pray for Paul as he embarks on this new adventure. Pray that God would keep him safe and that Paul would grow lots in Christ. Also could you please pray for mine and Paul's relationship... pray that this time we have apart will really help us to grow closer together. And that God would really bless our relationship! Thank you!

PRAISE GOD POINTS

-that you allowed paul and i to see each other, and for it being a really good time
- for the work that you have done in me over the years to get me to where i am today
- for giving us a days rest in which we can really dwell in your presence growing in you.
- for creating the world and creating us in your image.-
- for giving us your word
- for helping me to teach others to love you and to get to know you as their own saviour!!

AMEN!!!!!!!

I'm BACK!!!!!

2006-09-07T21:57:00.000Z

wahoooooo!!!!!!!! I have internet back... need to sort it out properly at some point in the next few days, but the bodge job i have done at the moment will do temp.

So... wow so much has happened recently! I have got my wedding dress and booked the horse and carriage, paul and i have booked the church, and the reception venue is booked and so is the car! So well on the way with preperations... oh mum and i have also started looking at designs for invites and Grandma has agreed/offered to make the cake!

So, other things to put in this update.
I have started helping at Noah's ark our churches mother and toddler group and i am so excited by it all. I had my first session on tuesday and i loved it!!!! Kai and alex when along to which was really lovely!!!! :)

I started back at Kangaroos (special needs playscheme) that i used to work at and had to give up just over 2 years ago for a variety of reasons... the children have all grown up so much and its really weird, but on the whole it hasn't changed to much. Found out that 2 of the group leaders at roos got married last weekend (if you see this congratulations!!!!!!!) which was nice to know, and we had some of the really yummy chocolate wedding cake. yum.
D.R the child i was with was just adorable... he seems to have grown up a bit since i was last with him, and fairly good at the game ludo, which i very much enjoyed playing with him for half the session, and also loved playing his good old fav (that i played with him before i left roos) hospitals/ dr's. It was lovely to see old faces again to. So i hope to go back regularly again and get fully involved again.

The final thing that i have started is Sunday School aka Good news club. For the next few weeks i am going to be assistant leader and then i will take over that group and lead... am working with Explorers year 4, its a lovely group! We are currently looking at creation, and how amazing it is that God made the world out of Nothing! Showing what an awesome and amazing God we have! It is such a blessing to be able to teach young children about Jesus and what an amazing guy he is! Helping them to grow in faith, and hopefully if they haven't already ask Jesus into their own lives to be their personal saviour. How amazing that would be. And what a loving God we have that he choose to save us from death, and through Jesus' death on a cross that we could have everlasting life as long as we believe and trust in him and grow in faith.

I am missing Paul so much at the moment with him being away at relay 1 and then forum! Not been able to talk to him all that much and i have found that very hard... i think this next year may be harder then i orig. thought. :( oh well. With God's help i know i can get through the next year. And at least i have something very exciting to look forward to at the end of it all that will also keep me going!

wow there is so much more i could write right now, but a its late and i have written enough already and b) paul has just phoned and as i don't have much time to talk to him i want to concentrate on that!!!!!

PRAISE GOD POINTS!!!

- For giving me my internet back (well for showing me how to wire the extension up!!! hehe)
- For giving me things to do in my life to the glory of god.
- For the strength you give me
- For paul, my friends and my family
- For my health not being to bad... despite some problems.
Amen!

Mrs Huxley to be

2006-07-24T13:42:00.000Z

As i said in my last post i am really sorry that this post is SO late... but hey better late then never huh?!

where should i start?
I know, the beginning!

I met paul in my first year of sixth form college in Haywards heath 4 years ago... wow almost 5 years ago now!
I used to attened the Christian Union there, but always felt the odd one out, i would normally be found sitting on my own as i didn't have any friends, and if i am honest i didn't find the CU all that friendily. However there was one person who was different to the others, a guy called Paul that actually went out of his way to talk to me.
I had seen Paul around before, in or around the music block, however i didn't know his name at that point... he was just known by my music class as the boy who never stops eating, and noodle boy!!
I started to talk to paul every now and again, and slowly started to realise that he was different to most of the other guys i had come across in my life. I must admit that i missed several lessons to go and talk to paul, or often late because we had stopped to talk after CU (all usually psychology lessons actaully, oops!)
As i grew to trust paul i talked to him more and more and on new years eve one year he phoned me as he knew that i was going to be on my own, and knew that i struggled with things like that. He slowly became my best friend, i shared everything with him, and soon enough he knew my life history. I feel so sorry for paul having to put up with so much rejection in the early days of our friendship when i didn't feel i was able to talk to him, or the many times i made up excuses not to meet up and see him. But he persevered, and stood by my side offering me the best friendship anyone on earth could ever give me.
People often said that we would end up going out and eventually get married, but i just laughed at everyone... there was no way that i would ever feel that way about paul! He was a good friend, nothing more and nothing less!
Time passed by, we joked about weddings with each other after i jokingly asked paul out one day to get rid of a stalker (it worked!!) i spent more time with him and talking to him, and we would spend hours each night on the phone. He helped me after i had to leave home due to some serious problems at home, and was right there for me every step of the way (as well as some others).
Now one day i was at some friends house, and was talking to paul on MSN, he told me that he really needed to talk to me but he needed to do it over the phone... i waited several days for that call worrying so much about what it would be about. I then got the call i had been waiting for.
Paul asked if i knew what book he had been reading, and i said that yes i did... he went on to say that according to the book (boy meets girl) we were already courting, so could he change his status on the CU forum to courting?! I said yes with a huge smile on my face, then realised what i had said... i had no clue why i had said yes as i didn't have any feelings for him like that. I then told him that (not really recommended) as we had a very open and honest friendship. I told him that i had obviously said yes for a reason, so would go away and pray about it and see what i thought God wanted for us!! I have never known feelings to come so quickly, i just knew that it was right for us to be together. So we started courting on the 8th of june '05.
A year passed by with many times of joy, fun, sadness, difficulty and illness. Also a lot of time growing in love for each other, and also in our walk with God. ( Never did i think that i would be able to go out with such an amazing guy, who is so Godly and has helped me a lot in my faith)
July 26th '06 we went with 10 other friends to Portugal on holiday.
July 30th '06 paul and i spent the day together! We spent the morning by the pool and a bit of vollyball and swimming in the pool. We went back to the villa for lunch, and then paul made me have a sleep as i was getting tired and ratty (me, never!!! lol)
After i woke up we decided to go to the beach, so off we went... when we got there we spent time paddling, catching mussles, pushing me over in the sand, (whilst i was wet might i add) reading, talking and laying in the sun.
Paul then took me for dinner (whilst he watched the footy in the background! typical guy huh?!)
It was a really lovely meal and very enjoyable. Paul then asked me if i wanted to go and watch the sunset on the beach... i knew what was coming due to a convo earlier in the week, so started to get excited and nervous... but didn't want to get to excited incase i was wrong.
We found some rocks to sit on and watched the most beautiful sunset!!!
Paul then read me a prayer that he had written the day before and asked me to close my eyes, he then got down on the rock beneath me and i started giggling as i had guessed what was happening. He asked me to open my eyes and said ' Adele ******* *******' will you marry me. I just nodded, totally unable to talk. Paul then asked me if i could say the word, and i threw my arms around him and said yes!!:D We then went back to the villa to share our wonderful news with the others!
We now have a date for the wedding 28th july '07. So just over a year to get ready, how exciting/stressful!!

This is already pretty long so i am going to leave it here now... i could have written so much more, so be thankful that i haven't lol! but before i go i am going to share some photos and a short video of the area!

video
sunset 1
sunset 2
ring

also check out paul's blog if you havent already seen it, for his story!!
PRAISE GOD POINTS

-for the wonderful relationship you have given to me and paul
-for your wonderful creation
-for calling us to be your children
-for my dad giving his blessing for the marriage
-for helping us to get through all things

AMEN!!!!

Birthday...sorry its Very late!!

2006-07-17T09:28:00.000Z

Ok...
So i am a bit late and i am very sorry for that. I will give you all a little update before i go on to do another post about something else, that i am very sorry about being late for too!

Ok so... the 21st of may was my 20th birthday. I had a really lovely day, and got to share it with everyone!! At midnight i went into the HMSA chat room, for those of you that don't know HMS stands for Hypermobility syndrome, the disability that i have. The people in there were So lovely and wished me a happy birthday and sang many differnt versions of the song. I opened up the first of my cards whilst in there, so got to share that with some of my friends.
Shortly after Tigz arrived, and brought with her a eeyore cake!!!:D It was then very late so we went to sleep. But unfortunatly i couldn't get to sleep so only got about 2hours sleep in the end.
We got up and went to my Home church (All Saints, Lindfield).
After, i went to my parents house to see my parents and brother before dad and simon had to leave to go to bath PMU. It was really nice cus it ment that i could open my presents there with my family. Next stop was to rachels before she had to go to work so i could see rachel and lex :) we then took rachel into work.
Tigz then decided to take me out for lunch, so we went to the Harvester in Brighton. It was lovely! Thanks hunnie!
It was then time to make our journey to Guildford to see Paul. By the time we got there it was time for church so we had to leave straight away! The sermon at CSBC was FAB! I got a lot out of it and it was on Exodus 31:1-18 looking at the sabboth. It answered some questions, was very informative and showed how we should keep the sabboth holy. It then helped me a lot the following tuesday at disciplship explored in answering some questions for others in the group! So thanks to God for using his child John Benton to get the message to us.
After we went back and had a really nice relaxing evening together which was really lovely!!!!

The following saturday I then went for a meal with my parents, brother, Tigz and paul. It was a lovely chinese, but i wish that i could have enjoyed it a little more by not being in such severe pain with my neck! Which in the week before i came back from pauls i possibly subluxed my cervical spine and was having severe spasms in my neck and in a lot of pain from.

Below are some pictures from my birthday meal, and a picture of the flowers and vase that paul gave me for my birthday.

I have also had my apt with Prof G. since the last time i posted, and to be honest i don't think that he was that good. It was a bit of a waste of time going really. I am supposed to loose some weight, which i am not going to go to the weight that he wants me to be cus i look ill... But hey i deff have HEDS (hypermobility type Ehlers danlos syndrome).

Other things that have happened include my mums 40th birthday, pauls graduation and a holiday to portugal with 12 of us all staying in a villa in villamora and Alex's 1st birthday... where has the last year gone!! He can now talk loads and is walking. He is just growing up SO fast!

PRAISE GOD POINTS!

-for a wonderful birthday
-for your word, and your people that you use to share the gospel
-for paul's graduating even through all the problems
- for alex's development and growth
-for doctors and nurses that can help us.
- for families and friends

AMEN!!!!!!!

a message from alex

2006-05-18T15:04:00.001Z

rdlcefdevrd c vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv cxdd\,milk.m,ll\,cynbhg
hello my name is alex, and i am auntie jelly's godson! i just wanted to say hello to you all, so hello!!
its auntie jelly's birthday on sunday, and so mummy, auntie cheryl, auntie jelly, cara and uncle rhys are going out tonight to celebrate :)
i will be at home asleep though and my daddy is looking after me.
i am getting really clever now, i can talk! its so much fun! i've got my 1st tooth through and my teethy's hurt a lot :( it feels very weird on my tongue too!
ohhhh i have some exciting news!!!! i'm going to have a little baby brother or sister. mummy really wants a girl, but says it will probably be a boy. i can't wait to have a little playmate, but i will need to be careful when its is small so i don't hurt him/her.
anyway i better go as i am tired and i need some sleep. also i am very sad because of my teeth and need a hug from my daddy to make me feel better. stupid teeth.
love you lots like jelly tots.
alex xxxxx (big wet sloppy kisses with a big ahhhhh,hugs for those who dont understand)
étggggreyhiuy,mkj bgthju m

2 of 2 (harlech)

2006-04-24T19:37:00.000Z

okies... what a suprise it has taken me ages to get back to do this blog post, and i can't really remmy exactly what i was going to write last time either?! oh well
i wanted to write a lil blog post about my trip to harlech with tigz.
we stayed with jake and adams mummy and their grandma!:)
we did lots of fun things like sliding on slidey rock!!!!!:D going to several different beaches like harlech, barmouth and llandanog (sorry can't spell) it was all beautiful and sandy.
we went on the swings by the castle that made you feel like you were flying through the sky.
we went to a farm, and on easter sunday we went to a beautiful service in a tiny little chaple with about 20 other people and shared some of the joy and happiness of Jesus rising from the dead with others, and joining with fellow christians in communion.
It was beautiful. I loved it and i can't wait to go back again (if i am invited back that is)
sorry this is short, but i am about to go out to discipleship explored at church, and i have other blog posts to do...
some pictures to leave you with...

1st picture is one of tigz holding Adam and jake in the sea at harlech

2nd Adam and jake at the farm holding a rabbit
3rd me feeding a kid at the farm
4th the view of harlech from the beach
5th a picture of Tigz and jake at the river

PRAISE GOD POINTS

- for the wonderful time in harlech
-for my friends
-for the beauty of the world
- for keeping me stable whilst i was away
-for being sovereign over all

AMEN!!!!

1st of 2 blogs (word alive)

2006-04-23T20:11:00.000Z

hello guys,
long time no speak huh... i know, i know, you can all stop shouting 'its about time to' now! hehe
So yes a few weeks back i went away to a christian conference called word alive, which is part of something bigger called spring harvest. Word alive is the student week at skegness. It was a very good week despite all the problems i had to face, and i hope that i learnt a lot of stuff which will help me to grow and develop in my faith.
Even though at times during the week i did not particually feel as if God was with me, i know he was, and he helped a lot... not just me but my friends around me too, to be able to cope with me.
I started the week panicing, i didn't know anyone in my challet and that really scared me and i freaked. I was really depressed at the biginning of the week, and i struggled with that. The second part of the week was not that much better, i went manic, and ended up really hurting people. I told paul that i wanted to break up... i really wasn't thinking straight at all... i was a different person apparently... though when i came through it all i could feel that i really was a different person. The End of the week ended positively... Paul got back the adele he knows and loves, and i got to feel 'normal' again, something that i hadn't felt in a LONG time. I was lost... but thanks to God, he brought me out of the deep mess that i was in. It was also a bad week physically, i was in some of the worst pain that i have ever been in, and ended up using the wheelchair that we had hired, all week. and when not using the chair i had to use the crutches, and couldn't get away without them without being in immense pain, and also legs collapsing at times. Thank you to God for being my only painkiller.

One of the talks that Hit me the most, was a talk by Kent Hughs on Mark 2:1-12
I want to share with you the talk that he gave, please bare with me... or skip past to the end of the post if you are not interested, but please read if you can. This talk also has a link with Easter. So i will take the time now to say a happy belated easter. I hope that the joy of knowing the risen lord shines through you each day!
Jesus is in capernaum at a house, the authorities have been sent to see if they could get anything against the 'rabi', lots of people have gathered to see Jesus and the atmosphere is really charged.
The roof of the house would have been made of twigs and branches, beams and compacted mud. The men bringing the paralytic to see Jesus would have had to break through all this so that they could lower the man down into the house. The men must have really loved and cared for this man, so much that they would destroy someones house for him.
The paryletic man was a very rich because he had people that really loved him. The four men had something even better, they had faith. The men must have had huge faith that Jesus could/would heal this man. The men took this man in with violence, determination and force.
Believing faith finds a way. These men were sacrificial. They has a 'missionary' faith.
Faith is about action. Mark is the 'Go' gospel as it is so 'Go' pact.
We need to passionatly believe that Jesus can change us. The real cripples were the pharisies and the scribes. They didn't show faith.
Jesus saying to the man 'your sins are forgiven' would have been a little bit of a lightning bolt, thats not what he wanted. He wanted healing and Jesus didn't tell him that he was healed. But Jesus wanted to get to his greatest need first.
The man may have not been able to go and commit sins like commiting adultry or stealing, but sin is not about our actions, but about our hearts. Jesus knew that his spiritual need was far greater then his physical. When Jesus forgave the man he was being set apart from hell, and was given eternal life. Our greatest need is forgiveness of sins.
verse 6-7 is Jesus making a declaration that he is God.
God alone can save sins. The pharasies would have thought that Jesus was blaspheming.
It is far easier to say your sins are forgiven then it is to say 'rise take up your bed and walk' (vs 9)
Jesus then shocks the people again by telling the man to 'rise pick up your bed and go home' (vs 11)
For Jesus the easiest thing was to say 'take up your bed and walk' Jesus spoke and the world was created, so saying take up your bed and walk was easy.
What was hard for him to say was ' my son your sins are forgiven' (vs 5) becuase he knew that meant his death. Jesus died the lowest of all deaths. Jesus remained sinless when he bore our sins for us. He took our sins with understanding. Willingly so that he could say 'son your sins are forgiven' Jesus died the hardest thing in all eternity.
The paralytic went home with a clean pure heart.
Jesus can do anything he wants, his greatest thing is forgiving our sins.
Our greatest need is still the same today. The greatest mirical is not the physical but the spiritual.
Jesus humbled himself to the point of death, even death on a cross.

I hope that made sense, as what i have written out was my notes, with some lil bits i still remmy from the talk added in to try and link it together a lil better... This talk made me really cry, and writing it here has made me tearful once again... Jesus died and rose again for me!!! He did all this so that i could spend all eternity with him... there is nothing in this world more amazing then that! I just can't emphesise how amazing and great this truth is! :)

There were also many other great talks that week, this is just one of the many.
well done if you have got through reading this far!!!
To finish with i will post some pics to show of our week away. (with those from surrey christian union! and also tigz)

in the back, charl, front left to right- tigz, cat, sophie(my challet and room mate) and chris.

this is Jo and rachel (my challet mates, and lovely people they were too, thanks so much guys... they are however not from USCU)

this picture is one of chris, sophie and charl getting their all you can eat pizza (yum yum!!!)This is a picture of us all eating pizza.
This is of us all at an evening celebration with special guests noddy and tigger. also introducing ruth in the CU hoddie.

PRAISE GOD POINTS

-for all the teaching that will help me to grow in you!
- for sending your son into the world so that our sins may be forgiven
- for being my only painkiller
-for being with me during my times of need
- for the friendships you have given me
- for being sovereign!!!:D

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-03-23T14:23:00.000Z

Добре, значи аз реших да пиша частни постове на българин така че аз мога да знам това, което то казва но никой не иначе се държи. Добре освен ако разбира се вие сте български, но от друга страна шансовете са, че аз не ви познавам или вие сте приятел, който аз не се грижа за знаейки какво се случва. Нещата са наистина трудни напоследък. То започна две седмици по-рано когато аз бях диагностициран от CYCLOTHYMIA и възможно разстройство на личността на граница (които вероятно ще дадат на вие английски хора улика към това, за което този пост е)
Те превърнаха моето лекарство в sertraline, и това беше толкова твърдо!! !! Аз бях много самоубийствен и искайки да правя вреда на същност през цялото време, аз не мога да престана да мисля за него, мислейки за кръвта капеща и контролираната болка, която е причинена. Контролът над нещо. Аз го пропускам ако аз наистина се справям... което е наистина глупаво откакто аз исках да спра така зле на година по-рано, и да бъде честен спомняйки си, че това е единственото нещо спирайки мен сега!!
Аз го правя изцяло планирано, как и където аз ще се режа, ако аз свършвам в болница начина, по който аз ще дам тайно на остриета - инчово, където аз ще мина през там за да се измъквам безнаказано за него без хора забелязващи. Неговото ужасно. Моят екип за грижа са външни така че никаква поддръжка също, и моите приятели не могат да правят цялата грижа, която то честно наистина не е на тях :(
аз мразя да се чувствам като това, аз не мога да чакам лекарството да започне да работи, то ще бъде толкова много по-приятно за всеки. Аз не съм сигурен, че аз мога да поддържам всичко това много по-дълго. Аз се заключвам толкова много колкото аз вероятно мога и само излизайки когато аз трябва. Това не е добро и аз знам това, но аз не мога да го подпомогна, аз в същност наистина се накланям. Нещата с бог не са толкова чудесно двамата, които ме разстройват повече. Аз мразя тази депресия толкова много. Аз искам то да върви. Аз искам да бъда безумен повече и аз съм потиснат и това не е събитие в моментът, в който аз съм потиснат повече и аз съм безумен :(

Точки на бог за похвала

- защото водене на мен - живо

- за помагане на мен не да правя вреда на същност

- for all the suppor that you have given to me lately in form of family and friends

- for your joy

- for all the normal things that i praise you for :)

AMEN!!!!!

self injury awareness day (trigger)

2006-03-01T14:58:00.000Z

well i have decided to write a post about self injury awareness day. I have also just realised that i should have done one on Ehlers danlos since we have just left behind an awareness month for EDS.

I truly believe that this topic needs as much true awareness raised as possible, as there is SO much stigma with the label. People believe that it is attention seeking behaviour, a suicide attempt gone wrong, and many other things. The truth is that it isn't. Often a person self harms/injures as a way of coping with deep emotional pain, a way of releasing that tension that builds up inside. It can be a way to make you feel alive, feeling the pain and seeing the blood can ground you so that you feel alive and real. It can in fact stop a person from wanting to commit suicide, keeping them alive to struggle on in there daily lives. Sometimes it can be 'attention seeking' but don't see it merely as that, but as a cry for help. That person could be deeply troubled and not know how to reach out for help. Help them instead of looking down on them. If you know someone that SI's then do support them and encourage them to stop, be there for them in their time of need and don't look down on what they do as that will just make the person feel worse.
Some people may really struggle with 'why' , so many people including myself suffer pain day in day out. Some people could get really angry with those inflicting pain on themselves. But this is not a way of causing pain, in fact it is a way of releasing pain. It is means of controling the emotional pain that takes over your whole body.

Today actually marks a very important day for me in my life. It is one year today since i last cut. After being a self harmer for 12 years, and cutting for the past 5 years or so, being in recovery for a year is a HUGE achievement. The main reason for this is God. So all glory and praise goes to him! :) A year ago i met up with a friend and another friend who is a chaplain and we prayed. i felt God tell me that i had to give all my problems over to him, i got a picture of a the cross, and i placed everything in boxes and laid them at the foot. I have never felt as peaceful as i did at that time. For once in my life my mind was free from everything, and i was still. I had specifically prayed for healing of my self harm which was pretty out of control at this time. I felt that this had come to an end, with God's help and strength i was going to stop, so i got rid of all my blades and left it in God's hands. This last year has been a difficult journey of ups and downs. It hasn't been easy and for anyone out there that may read this i am not saying that it was easy cause everyday was a struggle, but it has been a struggle that i have put into God's hands and let him help me with.
I just want to thank and praise God SO much for all he has done to help me, and the people that he has placed into my life to give me the encouragement needed to get where i am. I know that days still to come are going to continue to be a journey in which i will have many troubles, and one day i may stumble, because at the end of the day i am a human, therefore a sinner. But i know that God will be with me every step of the way!!! :) PRAISE GOD

If you want to find out more about self harm then two sites that i will really recommend that you look at... lifesigns and sirius project the 2nd i know is a very trustworthy site as i know the person that runs it and she is a good friend. If you yourself are a self harmer and you want to go somewhere you will get some good support from where you can trust the people, then i highly recommend the forum on sirius project!

PRAISE GOD POINTS

-for being my rock in times of need
-for getting me through the last year
-for placing some amazing people in my life that have helped and supported me through all things
-for your creation
-for paul and his hospitality

AMEN!!!!!!!

trust in God for strength!

2006-02-23T20:51:00.000Z

Well what a muppet i have been the last few days.
I woke up this morning the same as i have for the last few days, feeling misrable. I had no idea why, i have been reading my bible and praying more then i have been recently and really learning a lot from scripture. I thought that i should be happy after all i have God on my side looking after me. The thing that was getting me down more was how ill i have been. I am still i'll and i was fed up. I was trying to rely on my own strength to get me through...

I woke up this morning and felt that i had to read some more of Humility true Greatness by C.J Mahaney. I haven't read any of this book recently as when i have felt up to reading i have either been reading C.J's Christ our mediator, finding passion at the cross, a very good book again by C.J. It was a very challenging book that really made me think a lot, or the bible.
i picked up the book and started to read. Not far in to where i left off i reached the following passage
"One morning i am profoundly aware that God is near to me, while the next day i can sense only his absence. In a matter of hours i go from what seems to be an effortless experience of pure joy to asking, "where are you? Where did you go?"
The fact is of course, He didn't go anywhere. Yesterday He allowed me to sense His presence; today He seems to be sending the message, " I want you to grow more in your trust in Me; therefore, I'm withdrawing that sense of My nearness."

The passage highlighted in blue is the passage that really struck me, i realised that this passage was true to me, not only did i realise that, i realised how much i had been relying on my strength and not God's during this time. " I want you to grow more in your trust in me;" those words seemed to jump out of the book and hit me. God wants me to grow more in my trust with him. He gives me these times of trial to learn these things, and that is what i hope has happened!

It is during our times of weakness that we are most strong, we hear paul saying the following in 2 corinthians 12:9-10
But he said to me, " My grace is sufficiant for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore i will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. " For the sake of Christ, then i am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities. For when i am weak, then i am strong."

we should really use our times of weakness to grow in trust of God, to allow God to give us his strength instead of relying on our own! obviously we need to do this always and not just in times of weakness, but as i am sure that you are all aware if you are at all like me, it is during times of weakness that we are least likely to remember. Let God be your strength at all times. Don't let your own pride get in the way, as God hates pride!

PRAISE GOD

- for showing me all you have shown me today
- for all you have taught me through your word over the last few days
- for all my friends, family and b/f paul
- for your awesome creation
- for people that write books that show us you
- for your word
- for all those who have encouraged me lately

Amen

lexi's christening!!! (with lots of piccys)

2006-02-20T11:00:00.000Z

well this 1st picture is of me and alexander-james. Alex was SO well behaved during the service, and was very confused at why there was being water put on his head without him being in the bath! Alex loves baths!!! The service was good, apart from a lot of the sermon that i did not agree with. I wasn't sure what type of CofE church it would be, but in terms of the music it was very much like All Saints. fairly lively. Just some dodgy teaching.
It was weird being welcomed, i was welcomed by one of my reception class teachers, who recognised me immediatly... how scary is that. she was one of the teachers that i loved. A little (what i thought) old lady who would read to us. well she cant have really been that old, i was sure that she must be dead by now, but i was wrong. I really am the type of person that once you have meet me once, i am never forgotten. I also saw someone from Holy Trinity Hurstpierpoint. My old church. Paul and others are right, i cant go anywhere without being known by someone... but i dont know everyone paul :P

This next picture is of parents, Godparents and the vicar. We have going from left to right... Uncle Mark(godfather) Me, Rachel (mum) the vicar and lexi who is fast asleep despite being moved from pillar to post. Paul (Dad), lou (godmum) and Barry (godfather)

The 2 pictures below are of the 2 sides of the family. The 1st picture shows the 4 generations of rachels side and the 2nd shows pauls family.

we then have a picture (i am very sorry tigz) of tigz, rachel, lexi and me. The last 3 pictures all taken at mooch, the 1st part of the after party. lexi enjoyed a little bit more sleep before having lots to eat.
We then have a the 1st picture of paul with lexi once everyone had left rachels for the buffet (prepared very nicely by tigz! a big thank you tigz). I think that one day paul will make an exellent dad. He spent most of the day entertaining rachels brother who has ADHD and did an amazing job of it. rhys was SO well behaved and we are all so happy about that!!!!!! Thank you to paul for helping to keep rhys out of the way of everyone. You then got to hold lexi, and he just loves you. He gave you such a nice hug, and you 2 talked to each other and had a fun time together.

This is the 2nd picture of paul holding lexi, don't they look so happy together. Paul then did a VERY brave thing. I am so proud of you hun. With 4 people in the room who all knew how to change a nappy, paul changed alex's nappy for him. It wasn't quite as easy as just changing a disposible either as he is in clothy's. Rachel even said that it was better then some of the nappies that his own dad does. so i think that deserves a huge WELL DONE PAUL!!!!!!
( the top that alex is wearing there says 'very important person (that's me) and how true that was for him on the day of his christening)

I plan to take my vows as Godmum VERY seriously. I am so blessed to have been asked to have such an honerable job to do. And i will do it to the best of my ability!
I want Alex to grow up knowing God's love, wether it is God's plan or not for lex to accept jesus as his own i am still going to nurture him in the knowledge of God to the best of my ability (given to me of course by God).

well i dont think that i have said all that i wanted to say, but i have stuff to do and i have to be out soon so after some links and some praise God points i shall be off... link 1 is lexi's blog for more on the christening. next is tigz. And finally some more pics from the christening can be found here, you need to clic on friends, and then lexi's christening.

PRAISE GOD POINTS

- for how well behaved lexi was
-for the family all getting on well together
- for my wonderful boyfriend
-for my wonderful friends
- for the love that you show each one of us
- for your creation
- for looking after me when i am ill

AMEN!!!

more ramblings in the life of Adele

2006-02-17T07:36:00.000Z

well since i can't sleep and have now been awake for over an hour (its only 7:30 at the mo) and i slept really badly last night i have decided to give up on the sleep idea and blog instead!

so whats happened since my last blog?? Not much really. I am still being sick, however not as much as i have realised that it is mainly fluids that are making me sick so i have got some 'thick and easy' thickener for food and drinks. Its not greatly pleasent in taste or texture, but i am now at least getting some fluids into me so hopefully i can stop myself getting to dehydrated and can keep myself out of hospital!! I have been tested for a bacteria that can live in the stomach called helicobacter. Should hopefully get the results today. part of me really hopes that it is this cus then at least i know how it can be treated and get this sickness behind me. But apparently the treatment really isn't nice so part of me hopes its not.

we had valentines day since my last blog, and what a lovely day it was!! Paul gave me the sweetest alternative to a card, if you wish to see you can se it here. I also got 12 red roses and a book by john piper called 'The misery of Job and the mercy of God' its a really great poem about Job, it also includes the CD of the poem. The book is very nicely illistrated and very nicely set out. I think it only takes about 45 mins in total to read/listen to, but is split into 4 sections if you dont have the time to do it in one go. I was gripped however, and once i started i wanted to finish it!!! If you want to listen to the poem then go here and scroll down the page until you get to 1994-Job. It was SO nice to see paul again! I had missed him SO much over the couple of weeks we have been apart. I get to see him again either tonight or tomorrow, and i can't wait!!:) Love you Paul!

I have also been catching up on some of my missed bible readings. I haven't totally caught up yet, but i am on my way. Isn't it great how much God allows us to learn about him through his word, and how life transforming it is!!! I love reading the bible SO much, i just wish that i would make the time more often as it is such a valuble thing that should be done every day. It is down to my sinful nature that it doesn't.

Other then that i have been spending time with Rachel and Lexi. Its been SO nice spending so much time with them both. Things have been hectic there end arranging the christening on sunday. 2 more days and i will be officially Godmum to Alex. How blessed am i to have such a beautiful boy as my Godson, and such a wonderful friend in Rachel. If you want to see Alex's blog which contains some VERY cute pictures of him then go here.

well that is it (thank goodness do i hear you cry...)

Praise God points!

- that i got to see a dr that is actually trying to find out what is wrong with me.
- for having such a lovely b/f
- for having such great friends
- for the plans all coming together for sunday
- for your word

AMEN

quick update

2006-02-09T23:18:00.000Z

hey guys,
i am SO sorry that i haven't blogged in such a long time, but as some of you are aware i have not been at all well, and i still am not.
i am unable to keep fluids down, and am having probs with food too, i have even got so desperate i have taken to eating baby food as its more gentle on the stomach... was even slightly sick on that. the only thing i havent had to much probs with so far is scrambled egg on toast. i am slightly sick after that, but not as much as i am on some other stuff.
sorry i know that this is not the nicest of blog posts... but this is more for my records that i am typing this now.
At least i am not as ill as i was a few weeks ago when i was in hospital. It was a rather scary experiance... especaialy as i wasn't even able to pick a bible up. i am still having some probs with reading my bible though, as concentration levels are not good at all.
i think the most scary thing though was my heart... its not been much below 100 recently, and in hosp it managed to go to 174... i couldn't breath and had to have an oxygen mask to breath through, i had cheast pain, and i lost all feeling in my arms. i was scared that i was having a heart attack... i prayed as much as i could in the situation and paul and tigz prayed too, and slowley my pulse began to drop again. The ECG was high but normal. So that was a relief all round!!
i was in hosp for a week in the end... even had the chance to talk about God with some of the nurses and patients which was really nice:)
was back in A&E on monday as i started being sick again, and aparently looked as ill as i did in hosp...
God is amazing, and is always there looking after us even if sometimes we dont think he is... sometimes i have to remember that when i am this ill. But God is in full control and knows what is happening!!
God is teaching me a lot too... he is teaching me how much i need to depend on him and not on myself in times on trouble. To let him be my rock! my prayer life has got slightly better again through being ill... so it really shows that God uses all bad for good!!:D
i want to say a HUGE thank you to Paul and Tigz especially for all the help and hard work that they put in whilst i was ill, it was really hugely appreciated... and Tigz i really hope that you get your bounce back soon!!! am praying for your recovery! thanks to all the others out there that helped whilst i was ill, with visiting, praying or just being there to support paul and tigz. THANK YOU ALL!!!!!
anyway i should go now as i need to go to bed!! But 1st........

PRAISE GOD POINTS!!!!!!!

- for God teaching me so much through being ill
- for all the help and support God has given to me
- to my friends and family, who have been amazing (and i also want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone that has supported me in prayer!!!!!!)
- for the doctors and nurses that looked after me whilst i was ill
- for giving me most of my strength back even though i am still ill
- for your wonderful creation
- for paul, my wonderful boyfriend
- for being sovereign!:D

AMEN!!!!!!!!!

family and friends

2006-01-20T14:47:00.000Z

well it has been a little while since i last posted. i have been wanting to do this post for a while, but havent had a cable to put my pics onto the computer. i have promised tigz that this post will be up by the time she gets to me tonight, so thought i better get on with it now.
bible reading is going really well at the moment, and i am learning so much, i hope that i am continuing to grow in the lord and through his word i may become more and more like my maker in heaven.
I have just started to read a really helpful new book by C.J. Mahaney called humility, true greatness. i havent got that far into it yet, but what i have read so far has been good at showing me how much God HATES pride. And how pride is one of the biggest things. It has made me stop and think about things that i do. the times that i congratulate myself and self glorify myself rather then thanking God and giving him all the glory as i should. I look forward to reading the rest of this book, and learning more about my sinful nature.
i want to introduce you to some of my friends and family nowi want to thank them so much for all they have ever done for me.
i want to start with my new found friend... my mum julie. Though we have not got on for the last 19 years of my life very well, thanks to my best friend and my creator i now have a beautiful friendship with her!!! :D so this is my mum:
next is my dad, again we have never got on, but our relationship is growing and blossoming and i hope that one day we may be inseperable. here is my dad, Gordon:

And lastly in my family is my wonderful brother. who i love to pieces and again hope that one day we will have a great relationship with each other. this is my brother Simon:

Next to be introduced is my best friend here on earth, my b/f paul. He has done so much for me and helped me in so many ways!! i continually thank God for providing me with him! sorry paul that i can be extremely hard work!! love you tons!!! Here is one of my fav pics of us both together!

whilst mentioning paul, i want to thank 2 of his friend Ben and Brendan. These guys accepted me for who i am, and have been a support to paul and me. They are also my fav 3 people to have theological discussions about! theological tuesday rocks!!! in order paul, brendan and Ben at Brendan and Bens joint 21st birthday party last year.

we then have my friend Kai and her b/f paul with there (at the time 10 week old baby) Alex.
Rachel has been one of the most amazing friends that i have ever had. she is a very special girl, and i am SO pleased that i have been blessed with knowing her and her family! thank you hun!!

Alex gets his own special lil mention for being my special lil man, soon to become my Godson. he is a very clever and happy lil boy, and i am extremely blessed to have been asked to do such a special job as to be a God parent! so thank you. this picture was taken of lexi a couple of weeks ago. he is 6.5 months old now. hes getting SO big!!!

And last but no means least to mention here now is another good friend of mine, we haven't known each other that long. but it feels like an eternity. she has been such an amazing friend in the time i have known her and i thank God and her SO much for this!! this is my friend Tigz:

well these are a few of the special people in my life. there are many, many more. so dont think that cus i havent mentioned you you are not special to me, cus you are. these really are just a few!!! love you all!

Praise God points

- that my MRI went ok on weds
- for my friends and family
- for all that you are teaching me though your word and though others
- for your wonderful creation
- for your son jesus
- for how well christianity explored is going
- for all you have done in my life

and many many more things!!!
thank you so much God

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!

recomendations!!

2006-01-05T00:37:00.000Z

i want to take this oppertunity to wish everyone a very happy new year... hopefully i will blog a lot more now that i am more settled and have the internet full time.
i have made it my new years resolution to read the bible more, and to follow my daily reading plan bible reading plan

This is the bible in a year and is a fair amount of reading each day, but i think that in the most it is very managable and easy to follow... what i really like about this plan is that it only has 25 days in each month, this is so you can either choose to have 1 day of a week, or (as i like the extra few days for) catching up on the bits that you have fallen behind on, if that applies. or re going over the more difficult bits again etc to try and get the most out of the reading. I really recommend this reading plan to anyone, especially if they are after a bit of structure in there reading.

another recommendation i think i really want to give is to a CD called Awesome God. It is a childrens CD done by sovereign grace ministries. For two good reviews of the CD i recommend you read Paul and dave's reviews. All i want to say is that i feel it is a CD that can be enjoyed not only by those that are children, but by adults too. It is teaching such important things through the lyrics that are made easy for a child to understand, and if they are unable to then it can lead into some good discussions with parents or people from church about the meaning of the words.
The music is very plesant and enjoyable. The music is catchy and easy to learn. it makes it fun for children.
I LOVE the CD case to. I love the different options you can choose for the cover, it makes the whole thing feel a lot more personal, whilst making it more fun.
I will deff be ordering my own copy soon as i think it is a must have!!
check out Awesome God CD for samples of the music and a chance to buy the CD yourself.

My third and final review is a book called Christian Beliefs, 20 basics every christian should know, by Wayne Grudem.
I have found this book VERY easy to read and understand, and it has been very enjoyable in the process. It is packed with bible references, and uses these to make his points. I have learnt an aweful lot through this book and it has helped me to understand things better too. It has helped me to confirm some thoughts that i already had about issues such as death and has pointed me in the right direction biblicly so i know clearer now where i stand with certain issues.
It is written so that anyone can read it wether christian or not, and i think would be excellent for a new christian, and old christians alike. It has incresead my passion for learning more and i hope to continue to do so.
You can get a copy of this book through Amazon deff a good read!!
( sorry that this is not very well written but pain is not great and i am now also very tired, but i hope this makes sence to you!?)

well that is all for my recomendations right now...

PRAISE GOD POINTS

- for being an Awesome God
- for helping me through my pain, and being my only painkiller i can have
- for reminding me that you are there at all times to help me
- for giving me a real passion for your word right now
- for the amount that God is teaching me through his word, and all that i have been learning through others and through books
- for my friends and family
- for choosing me as your daughter
- for me getting a little better at entertaining people and actaully cooking for them :)

these again are just a few as i could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.........

thank you God

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-12-27T16:36:00.000Z

CHRISTmas was so TOTALLY AMAZING this year!!! For the 1^st time EVER I actually enjoyed it.

Christmas eve I went over to paul’s and spent some time with him and his family which was nice, before going to midnight mass… oh boy I was in hysterics by the end…. I have now seen Paul do the thing that he does with his hands, he got very excited about a carol we were singing… once I had calmed down a lil and thought that I could sing again Paul shouted RAH and that was me gone again, I couldn’t stop laughing and ended up falling over from laughing so hard. I got my secret santa prezzie, a Tre63 album. And then went back to Pauls to sleep. The next morn, Christmas day I woke up and had breky with pauls family before going to church. Paul and I were finally able to play and sing in a service together, and what a great service it was. It was SO nice to be able to spend Christmas morn in church. After I went back to the Huxley house for present opening. THANK YOU SO MUCH TO THE WHOLE FAMILY FOR MY WONDERFUL PREZZIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At 1pm my dad came to pick me up and I went back to my parents for the rest of the day. I opened my presents from them, and had a HUGE lunch, with the greatest bread sauce in the world!!!

In the afternoon Tigz came round to my parents house, I was asleep when she arrived, so she had the pleasure of having to wake me up, hehe. I got to open my presents from her. Which I LOVED!! THANK YOU TIGZ. I went upstairs to watch songs of praise, and eventually tigz came to join meJ

After gorge home made soup, made by my dad we left to come home, on the way we went to pick paul up and we all had a fab eve at mine playing DISNEY monopoly with Tim added via the internet. (you all must try it sometime it was very fun.)

We dropped off Paul at about 1.45am, on the way back tigz asked if there was a park near by, wanted to go on a swing and go really high!! Hehe. We went to a park in Lindfield, we played on the swings, the slide, the climbing frame and the roundabout thing. Tigz tried to do through the tunnel but it was wet and she didn’t want to get her pyjamas wet, both tigz and I were wearing our p.j’s. Tigz got me to feel how cold her feet were on the way back to the car, which I was slightly surprised at sice he HATES anything touching her feet!

On the way back to mine tigz decided that she wanted to dip her toes in the sea, so after stopping of at mine for some things, we went of to Brighton.

As we set off i said a little prayer for our safety and to ask God’s guidance.We arrived at Brighton and saw all the pretty lights. Yay. We drove along the sea front and found a parking space, at 2.45 in the morning. We got out the car and what do we see????? An adventure playground!!!! yaya woohoo. So we had a play all in bare feet because it had big sand pits, we both went down the slides weeeeeeeeee. Both me and tigs were in pain, but we were having SO much fun being like lil kids and running about… yes I said running… RUNNING being the key word there, I managed to run about 15/20meters that’s the longest I have run in a LONG time. It hurt A LOT, but it was SO worth it!!!!!! We had BIG HUGS and some tears before going on the beach.

(before anyone tells us off we put our shoes back on) We were a little bit scared, there were no stars just cloudsL. Me and Tigs sang Be Bold, Be Strong VERY loudly and we weren’t frightened anymore. YAY!!! At the waters edge we took our shoes off and put our toes in the water then our whole feet in. The sea was wasn’t too cold we prayed to God on the way down about the temperature of the water. BIG THANK YOU GOD!! O yes!!! We looked out to sea and we saw FOG lots of FOG yay!! We walked back up the beach we picked up a stone each from different places (shhhh don’t tell anyone) We were about to go back to the park but these two guys started talking to us. So me and Tigz decided to go straight back to the car instead, they seemed decent enough but at 3.15in the morning we weren’t going to start trusting strangers. We got into the car (locked the doors) and thanked God for keeping us safe. We drove home singing together to a weird and wonderful selection of music. We got home and were vvvvvv quiet so we didn’t wake the old lady next door. Got to bed and was asleep by 4am.

The next morning when we woke up we put our two stones down together and this is amazing they fit together in weird and wonderful way. SO cool.

If/When we do it again we will take a camera because we have our memorise but pictures say a 1000 words.

So that was my Christmas day, the best ever. I got the best of every aspect of Christmas… celebrating Christ’s birth, having an amazing time with both families, some GREAT prezzies, and some wonderful food… also an amazing boyfriend and friends to share it all with.

PRAISE GOD POINTS

- for sending us his son

- for a wonderful christmas day

- for family

-for giving me paul, and helping us in our relationship

- for my friends esp tigz and the fun that we had together

- for allowing me to run, even if it was only a short amount before i couldn't do anymore...

- for everything that you have provided

AMEN

i could go on and on and on... these are just a few

flat...

2005-12-27T15:19:00.000Z

well... i think that i should start by giving an update on my flat...
ive moved in and i LOVE it. YAY praise God SOOOO much for how quickly i settled!!
here are some photo's of my flat... they were all taken a few weeks back, but things are vertually the same, apart from my bedroom is a lil more unpaked, and is not as messy as that now.
i have the most comfy bed now, and i LOVE it :D

i love having my own space. had a few probs with my neighbour the 1st week, and i got a few complaints about the noise as the walls are SOO thin. so that is one thing that i have to be really conscious of at all times at night esp.
since the 1st week however i haven't had any probs like that.
I was ill when i 1st moved in, and that was a bit hard being ill but still having to do everything myself as if there was nothing wrong.

well i dont really know what more i can write about my blog? if you have any questions that you have been wondering about and i havent answered it here, then please leave a message and i will get back to you! :D

PRAISE GOD POINTS

- for providing me with such an amazing flat
-for helping out whenever i need help
- for reminding me that i am never alone
- for how quickly i settled in

AMEN!!

no internet access

2005-12-05T18:02:00.000Z

hey guys...
i thought i would type a quick msg to you all to let you know that i have moved into my flat ok... am enjoying living there. It is bigger then the photos make it look which is nice! and its been really nice haveing Paul, Tigz, and also ruth round!:D been a lot of fun.
The thing that REALLY hasn't been fun is how ill i have been feeling which REALLY sucks. my next door neighbour has made several complaints already, and i have only been there a week!!! But its fair enough, the walls are SOO thin which is a lil bit inconvenient, and i will have to learn what the aceptable noise level is which will take a bit of time...\zve rve ( that was my Godson typing, as i have him sat on my lap!!)

I am afraid to say that i will be unable to update my blog till at least the 19th dec, as i dont have internet access... i cant really write to much about the move now, as its not my comp, and its a wee bit hard typing with a 5month old sat on your lap!! hehe

i will write again as soon as i can...

praise god points

- that the move despite being stressful went well
- that i settled in right away and it immediatly felt like home
- for the support i have had from friends and family
- that i havent felt at all lonely
- for the enjoyment i am getting from the bible atm
- for providing me with everything i need
- for being all together amazing!!!!!!!!!!
-for all the changes that he has done to get me to the point i am at today:D

AMEN

flat pictures

2005-11-25T03:44:00.000Z

i promised you guys pictures of my flat once i found my cable... well i can now reveal pics!!

these are pictures of my bedroom. (dad sticking his tonuge out in the background... tutut!!:P)

this is my bathroom, which i am almost certainly going to re-decorate eventually!!

this is my hallway, as you can see its quite big, so i am going to have this as a lil mini room too...

Yup, you guessed it... this is my kitchen.

and last but no means least... the living room... so there you have it, the flat that i move into on monday! how scary is that... esp as i am away this w/e and i still havent finished packing... ahhhhh help!!!

But it is all in Gods hand's :D

I thought at the bottom of this blog post(before i go to sleep) the conductor on the train deserves a mention, i dont know his name or anything... but he is the 1st one EVER to ask me if i needed any assistance. As it is i was ok and did not need any help... but there have been many a time when i have needed help, and no one has bothered. So even though i have no idea who it was i am still going to write thank you, and it is greatly appreciated amongst passengers who are disabled and need help! :D

singing lesson went well again today... i think that i have grown in confidence since finding out about my range, always nice to know!

PRAISE GOD POINTS

- for helping me to stay calm during parts of today when i could have easily lost it!

- for giving me the strength to get through the day

- for my family and for paul

- for the amount that i have achieved, that i could never do without God.

- for sending his son jesus so that we(as followers of christ) may live together... now what more could you want then to spend eternity with your lord and saviour!?

AMEN!!!

update

2005-11-23T21:24:00.000Z

hey..
well i thought that i would take a few mins out of packing to post on my blog...
i had group yesterday again, and this is my main reason for needing to blog as i am supposed to recored my thoughts and feelings after so that when i finish next year i can see where i have come, it also helps me so that i can read things back and fill people in on how things have been in 2 weeks at next group.
i got really upset at the beggining, well not really upset enough to effect me or anything, but they have decided as a group rule that you cant be more than 10mins late for group, and it was discussed what the outcome of that is going to be... well my transport is often late which means that i am often more late then that, so that means that i will prob have to wait outside until the break if something big has come up... fair enough i understand exactly why they are doing it, but then it does mean that i will miss out on something that could potentialy be very important. oh well i will have to see how it goes (sorry i haven't told you this paul, but i have only just remmied about that, as i am sure you are aware i blocked the group out immediately, and so couldn't remmy much at the time, so nothing personal) .
I don't think that the group affected me as much as the past ones have done, there were bits that were upsetting, and lots made me think... but i was in such a bad mood i think i was able to filter it all cus i had to much other stuff on my mind too. i was last to talk yest... that upset me a bit, cus it meant that i couldn't let it out, and i dint get to talk about some of the stuff that was really getting to me(however i can't remmy any of those things now, so it cant have been that important). But then in a way it was a relief cus it ment that i dint have to talk either... but part of me wanted to and the other dint, i can't really win...

Alpha was good last night, our lil group is great and i think that we are prob closer as a group then any of the other groups that meet on a tues night, we are even doing a bit of socializing outside of Alpha, and its really nice and supportive, i feel honered to be a part of that group!! The topic was 'how and why should we tell others' and was a nice lil discussion. And one part in particular was VERY inspiring!:) The talk was quite good too and every point he had was all based on bible verses which tell us to do that point. Really made the group think about what they could do and how they could do it, which is really encouraging, you can really see them blosseming.
The real highlight for me though at alpha last night was what Mandy reminded me of... i was SO MAJOR stressed and was really taking it out on everyone and everything, and was so totally fed up and SO worried about getting stuff done for the move... mandy said to me though
'have you given all this over to God'
How on earth could i forget something so obvious and straight forward as that... my own advice that i tell people, and i forgot it myself when it came to me and my problems. i was SO greatful, and prayed immediatly... and boy did i not feel a million times better and happier... God surely answers our prayers... and i even woke up today less stressed and A LOT happier....

But that is obv hugely down to the lord, but also due to Tigz coming today... and the suprise she brought with her!!!!!!!! PAUL!!! how great is that :D :D :D
so yer we did some packing together, and then lunch, before dad arriving... so we went shopping for the last few things that i needed for the flat. We had such a great and fun day!!!!! and Paul i am SO sorry for leaving you out at times!!
Then this eve mum and dad came with chinese takeaway!!! YUM!! and then we did some packing together... i am SO tired now and in a fair amount of pain... but it was worth every min of it!!!

Praise God points

-for the fun i had today with paul, tigz and my parents.
- for giving me the strength to achieve the amount i have today
- for Mandy, in being Gods instrument in reminding me to give all my burdens to the lord
- for taking all my stress and worries away
-for providing me with everything
- just for being so super awesome!!!

AMEN!!!!!!

poem

2005-11-22T13:35:00.000Z

i have just found amongst all my stuff that i was packing a poem that i wrote about 3years ago, i dont think it is all that good... but every time i go to write it in my book with my other poem's in i loose it... so i have decided that before i loose it again i will type it up on here and share it with whoever reads it.

I lift my life to you

In a place so near,
as near as you can get,
a friend forever so dear,
his love for me i can never forget.

Through water and through flames
he walks right by my side,
and cleans my heart so stained.
To stay is his promise, he never lied.

So deep he knows my pain,
forgiving and healing is his game.
I lift my heart to you now,
right down on my knees i will bow.

I ask for you to take over, to end this strife.
To live within me forever,
to take charge of my life.
To walk hand in hand forever.

You are in total control,
guide me to where you want me.
make my life a gentle stroll.
No one has ever or ever will be as great in my life as thee!

there is one line that i would really want to change and take out of that, and that would be
'make my life a gentle stroll'
paul teaches us to rejoice in our sufferings (james 1) That it will make us stronger and ready. lacking in nothing. sometimes i do a very bad job of rejoiceing, but that i know is what i need to do.

" Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." james 1: 2-4

so this is my reason that i would change that line.

suprise

2005-11-21T00:42:00.000Z

i woke up yesterday to the most amazing suprise... however kinda embaressing.
friday night i went to bed kinda late(3am) so was still in bed asleep wearing the worst pj's i own when paul and sharon(tigz) turned up.
i must say that it was the greatest way i have woken up in a long time, if not EVER!!!!!
ive not met tigz before, however we have become very close over the last few weeks in which we have been talking, she has become a very good friend to me, and i feel SO blessed to have met her! :D So meeting her was just so special and amazing... thank you tigz!!
and to be woken up by paul, i dint think that i was going to be able to see him till next week, so seeing him was SO exciting. I must say that it was the quickest that i have ever woken up:D:D!!!

so yer i got up, and tigz took us for a gorge lunch at zizi's before going to find boxes. And for once i was right and Paul was wrong about something when it came to finding boxes... makes a change:P

so yer the day was AMAZING, and i cant wait till weds when i can see tigz again,as she is coming to help me pack... wahooo.

The move is all getting a bit stressful... ive got SO much to do in so little time, esp as i am away next weekend, and also since i still have college to go to college still.

Got some, what i have seen as bad news, others would see as a good thing to happen.
college have decided to remove pre professional music, which means that i loose my singing lessons unless i can find some sort of funding to carry me through to the end of the college year.
so i am going to be only doing music now... what a load of good that is. oh well...
i have had some good news at college tho... like some REALLY exciting news. I had my singing lesson on thursday and i asked how high i could sing... well my singing teacher managed to take me up to the 3rd Bflat above middle C, and we found out that i have a 3.5 octive range, so i have the alto and soprano range plus a range that is rare, and not many people have.... i was AMAZED!!! its almost as high as a flute can go, and that is pretty high!! THANK YOU GOD FOR MY VOICE!

my other really bit of exciting news is that i have been asked to be Godmum to one of my best friends baby! I personally believe in belivers baptism rather then pedobaptism, as i believe that the person should be baptised should he/she choose to after making the desicion to live there life for christ. Therefore my choice would be to have a dedication service rather then a baptism.
However i am happy to support the decision of the family, and will take my role as Godmum very seriously when i say the promises. (being as neither parents are christian, and neither go to church it means that i can give that child a grounding in the christian faith, and teach him about jesus :) how exciting!!!)

Praise God points-
thank you God for:

- for my new friend Tigz
- for the smoothness of the moving (organizing) situation so far
- for my singing voice
- for waking me up in time for church this morning
- for helping me to chuck away large amounts of my hording

AMEN!!!

flat...

2005-11-15T23:57:00.000Z

okies... well it seems that i have had a few complaints about not updating this. So here i am...
i have been SO busy lately...
group last week was hard... i dint quite realise how many probs i had at the moment with my relationships. nothing that major, just things that mum said that really got to me really... well i was in a real state last thurs, and spent most of the night crying. But i think i have got it kinda sorted now... at least i hope. it was getting to me so badly and i never realised it. Have talked it all through with paul now, which was very difficult to do... i just knew that he wouldn't understand properly the way in which my mind plays tricks on me.
my mind has been a bit all over the palce lately anyway... and that is prob due to messing with my meds... my moods have been all over the place. i know that i shouldn't take my meds just when i feel like it, and not when i am not... but at the time i just feel like i dont need them so i dont bother, and then looking back i can see that actually i do need them. i norm dont like to miss my mood stabillizer tho, i am to scared of the outcome of not having it. but i had no choice the other night as i ended up staying out the night and i had no meds on me (teaches me a lesson to carry spare meds on me) and instead of going manic, which is what i thought would happen, i went the other way, and felt aweful...
this however had a good effect, cus it made me turn to God. i knew that the thoughts and feelings running through my mind were not from him, and i needed to rebuke them and turn to God for help, which he did :D.
God is amazing and can get you through anything if only you turn to him and rely on him!

in easy tigers we were looking at joshua, 1 (amongst other stuff)
and this is one of the things we really took from the study, which really helps me more with times of trouble. The verse that we really took away with us was the following (i would like to say now, that all verses i quote from in my blogs are all taken from the ESV)

" Have i not commanded you? be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the lord your God is with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9)

isnt that great. we dont need to be frigtened of anything, because the lord our God is with us wherever we go. this means that we can turn to him at any time. I'snt that awsome!!
i think this is an appropriate time to teach you the words SLAVA NA BOGA, which i am sure you have noticed is the name of this blog... it means praise the lord, or Glory to God, in bulgarian!!!

anyway enough about how screwed up my moods are atm...

on to the Good stuff...

i have been offered a flat, not only have i been offered a flat, i have accepted it and i move in on the 28th of this month... that is less then 2 weeks away now!!! scary or what...
everyone has been saying that i have really fallen on my feet again, but there is only one reason... i prayed and put it into Gods hands. God only wants the best for our lives and so if i leave it for him then he is going to supply me with the place that is best for me. SO many people thought that living where i am now was not good, but i knew that it was what God wanted, and even though it has been hard it has taught me SO much, and taught me things that will help me. ONLY good has come from me living here, however much at times it has been hard... but then that all goes back to the hard times being our training. it is SO true.
so yer... he has provided a flat quicker then expected, its really nice (will post pics when i find my cable) and in a good area... which is fantastic... not only that, its also on the ground floor!!! PRAISE GOD SO MUCH.

The reason for asking God to provide me with a nice flat in a good area, according to his will is due to the verses in Matthew that tell us to ask and we will recieve.

"And whatever you ask in prayer, you will recieve, if you have faith."
(Matthew 21:22)

Its not wrong to ask God for things if the reason behind asking is one that is not for greed.
now all i have to do is rely on God and trust that he will provide me with the relevant money/grants/donations of furniture to kit my flat out with the basic things that i need.
God is great and i know that he will provide me with everything that i will need.
i will continue to pray and trust. and not going to worry. the bible is very clear that we should not worry and this is mentioned esp in matthew 6:25-34, and also phillipians 4:6.
God will provide me with the strength i need to get through the next 2 weeks and i know that i can do anything through christ phillipians 4:13.

i had a great weekend too, very exhasting one... but it was great... i went to a 1920's theamed part, and then was awake all night. God provided me with strength to be able to walk back to mine which was awesome :D (picture of me and paul in costume)
then on the sunday i went to portsmouth with my family and paul for my grandma's 60th bday party:D it was really good, and the family actually got on for once:) YAY!! paul even got to push me around town in a wheelchair which he really enjoyed!!
God has been really gracious this weekend and has helped SO much with all sorts of things.

also had great things like alpha away day, and alpha tonight which were fab. i may poss have to help lead the next one, which will be my absalute pleasure since it is the topic 'does God still heal today' and i have plenty of personal experiance on that topic :D.
anyway this is already extreamly long... but before i go... praise points

- thank you God so much for supplying me with a nice flat, in a nice area... which is also ground floor, next to a bus stop(at the end of the path), and literally next door to the docs. also that it is already carpeted and has a power shower in the bath so i can choose a bath or shower!! :D

- for teaching me so much
- for helping me get home sun morn
- for grandma's party running smoothly
- for the people that came to you at the alpha away day
- for continuing strengthening of my family
-for my pain levels not being so high
- for being able to walk a little bit better
- and for all the other things that you have done in my life recently and will continue to do in my life (there are too many things to write here now!!!)

THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!

AMEN.

update on my life

2005-11-02T22:00:00.000Z

well... i keep meaning to blog, and everytime i try i get interupted or something happens. So here i am trying again... and this time i will get there.
so much has happened since my last blog. i never did get my bible reading done then, but i did get it done 1st thing the next morn. i still haven't finished jeremiah and by now i am supposed to have read that, lemintations and started on next months readings.
Not really had a good time lately, and thought that things were totally fine with God till last night, when i realised that i hadn't been turning to God and asking him for help in my time of need. I am really good at getting others to pray for me, but i had neglected prayer myself.
last night i prayed and said sorry for not turning to him and asked God's forgiveness... isn't it great that we as saved christians can do that, just because God sent his son into the world to die from us and save us all from death. we never deserved it, yet God did this for us.

well i said a lot had happened since my last blog.
i had a difficult group last tues which brought a lot of stuff up from the past, even though things with my family have improved and i am getting on really well with them and i have forgiven them, it still hurts thinking about what happened. This group was about me aged 0-5 years. unlike a lot of people i have a lot of memories this age, most of which are negative. I had some of what i had planned to say worked out in my head, but i just couldn't talk about anything. in fact i ended up spacing right out and going into my own world, which in this case wasn't very helpful....it was picked up on too. i really wanted to cry, but i just didn't want to in front of others. It left me rather down too...and instead of giving it over to God i kept hold of it, never the best thing to do.

That then led onto the news i recieved on friday. i was told friday night that a very good friend of mine Quinn passed away last week. Quinn was a very good friend of mine, he has helped me a lot in the past and is one of the very few guys that i really trut. he was an amazing guy, and i just really wish that i had done a better job of keeping in contact over the last year, am slightly beating myslelf up over it now. :(
what hurt the most is the thought that he prob isn't in heaven. I say prob, cus you can never say 100% that you know that, as God is the only one that knows. But seeing as Quinn was a jehovah's witness i'm not sure that he is. That has hurt me a lot, and has made me slightly mad at the world for not being able to see the truth. People keep making comments like 'hes in a better place now, and he is in a place with no pain' i wish that was true, and i would really love to get to heaven to find out that in the last few mins of his life he changed his mind and accepted jesus in his life.

On top of this my ehlers danlos syndrome(hypermobility syndrome)www.hypermobility.org
has gone a bit out of control. Ive not really been able to walk properly since sunday, and by monday i wasn't even able to get out of bed before putting my splints on. i spent monday and tues in bed most of the day, apart from the hallelujah party monday night, which was amazing, and great fun!!! and alpha(discovering the meaning of life course with church) tues night. i went to go to college today, but the taxi didn't turn up, so i have spent a lot of time in bed today, trying to rest hoping that the rest might help. My pain levels have been through the roof, and i've got to the point that i really need pain relief(as i am not currently on anything due to me not being able to take any). i just hope and pray that things start to improve soon. i need a wheelchair at the moment, and dont own one, so i need to look into that more closely. but its more difficult due to needing an electric. i am very thank ful to the many people i have praying about my situation though. I know that i have to just keep trusting God. He knows what is best, and what the will for my life is. So i will continue to wait on God's timing with healing. and in the mean time i will remmy that all this time of trial is making me stronger in God, and more ready to cope with things. verses like

james 1:1-4 "count it a joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of verious kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith producess steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing"

and 2 corinthians 12:8-9
"three different times i pleaded with the lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me 'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is mad perfect in weakness.' therefore i will boast all the more gladly of my weaknessess, so that the power of christ may rest upon me. For the sake of christ, then, i am content with weakness insults, hardships, persecutions, and clamities. For when i am weak, then i am strong."

i have had some good times as well in the last week and a bit. last monday i went to london and had the privilage to work with kidscape
http://www.kidscape.org.uk
for a couple of hours. i then went to the best concert of my life... even though i was in severe amounts of pain it was worth it 100x over. that concert was Dreamtheater... wow how much it rocked... i will certainly remmy that for a long time to come, the special highlight for me music wise was deff octavarium live!!!!!! and what made it more special, was being with paul, and being able to see paul again for the 1st time in about a month...it was a very special day, and every min of pain was worth it. also the weekend was very special to as i was with paul :D and i was able to meet his other sister too, which was nice. It was pauls dad's birthday on sunday so i went there for a lovely lunch with the family. and then watched songs of praise with paul in the eve to see if we could spot me in the crowds.

i know this blog is very long, and i am very sorry to anyone that may be reading it... but i want to just say a few praise to Gods before i go....
i want to praise God for helping me so much today, my mood has lifted a bit since yest and i have been able to cope a lot better with the deteriation in my HMS and the severe amounts of pain that i am in.
- for the relationship that God has given me with paul, and i pray that this only strengthens.
- for the relationship between me and my parents. i want to really thank God for all the work he has done and is continuing to do there, and for being able to talk to them daily.
- for the fact that we can come to him in times of need, or times of rejoycing, he is always there.

i think i could go on and on... but these are just a few so THANK YOU GOD.

intro

2005-10-23T19:22:00.000Z

i thought that i would set up my own blog. That way i have somewhere that i can post my thoughts, praise to God and other bits and peices, i'll wait and see what i end up using it for.
well for anyone that may read this, my name is Adele, i'm 19 and from the UK.
my life is dedicated to God and i live each day for him!!
i want to start today by saying praise God that so far i have my voice back... ok i only got it back around 2ish this aft...but its now 8:30 and i still have it:D YAY. am hopeing and praying that God has healed me from the laryngitis, since that is what james prayed for at lunch, just before my voice came back. i'll wait and see tomorrow, and i will continue to pray healing over my voice. But i am going to trust that at this lunchtime God healed me. So SLAVA NA BOGA!!
church was pretty good today, all age worship based on the bible.
spent time with neroli and family today, which was very nice.. and have just got back.
After i finish this blog entry i am going to read song of songs. This book reminds me so much of paul! so i know that i am going to really enjoy reading it. i am also going to read some more of jeremiah as i am SO far behind with it.
well better go read.

slava na boga

Filters.

my life with Emotional intensity disorder

Borderline personality disorder/ STEPPS

*crawls out of hiding*

i am here... just!

New blog design...

Wedding update.

who are you? video on you tube.

I'm BACK!!!!!

Mrs Huxley to be

Birthday...sorry its Very late!!

a message from alex

2 of 2 (harlech)

1st of 2 blogs (word alive)

self injury awareness day (trigger)

trust in God for strength!

lexi's christening!!! (with lots of piccys)

more ramblings in the life of Adele

quick update

family and friends

recomendations!!

flat...

no internet access

flat pictures

update

poem

suprise

flat...

update on my life

intro

crawls out of hiding