update on my life

well... i keep meaning to blog, and everytime i try i get interupted or something happens. So here i am trying again... and this time i will get there.
so much has happened since my last blog. i never did get my bible reading done then, but i did get it done 1st thing the next morn. i still haven't finished jeremiah and by now i am supposed to have read that, lemintations and started on next months readings.
Not really had a good time lately, and thought that things were totally fine with God till last night, when i realised that i hadn't been turning to God and asking him for help in my time of need. I am really good at getting others to pray for me, but i had neglected prayer myself.
last night i prayed and said sorry for not turning to him and asked God's forgiveness... isn't it great that we as saved christians can do that, just because God sent his son into the world to die from us and save us all from death. we never deserved it, yet God did this for us.

well i said a lot had happened since my last blog.
i had a difficult group last tues which brought a lot of stuff up from the past, even though things with my family have improved and i am getting on really well with them and i have forgiven them, it still hurts thinking about what happened. This group was about me aged 0-5 years. unlike a lot of people i have a lot of memories this age, most of which are negative. I had some of what i had planned to say worked out in my head, but i just couldn't talk about anything. in fact i ended up spacing right out and going into my own world, which in this case wasn't very helpful....it was picked up on too. i really wanted to cry, but i just didn't want to in front of others. It left me rather down too...and instead of giving it over to God i kept hold of it, never the best thing to do.

That then led onto the news i recieved on friday. i was told friday night that a very good friend of mine Quinn passed away last week. Quinn was a very good friend of mine, he has helped me a lot in the past and is one of the very few guys that i really trut. he was an amazing guy, and i just really wish that i had done a better job of keeping in contact over the last year, am slightly beating myslelf up over it now. :(
what hurt the most is the thought that he prob isn't in heaven. I say prob, cus you can never say 100% that you know that, as God is the only one that knows. But seeing as Quinn was a jehovah's witness i'm not sure that he is. That has hurt me a lot, and has made me slightly mad at the world for not being able to see the truth. People keep making comments like 'hes in a better place now, and he is in a place with no pain' i wish that was true, and i would really love to get to heaven to find out that in the last few mins of his life he changed his mind and accepted jesus in his life.

On top of this my ehlers danlos syndrome(hypermobility syndrome)www.hypermobility.org
has gone a bit out of control. Ive not really been able to walk properly since sunday, and by monday i wasn't even able to get out of bed before putting my splints on. i spent monday and tues in bed most of the day, apart from the hallelujah party monday night, which was amazing, and great fun!!! and alpha(discovering the meaning of life course with church) tues night. i went to go to college today, but the taxi didn't turn up, so i have spent a lot of time in bed today, trying to rest hoping that the rest might help. My pain levels have been through the roof, and i've got to the point that i really need pain relief(as i am not currently on anything due to me not being able to take any). i just hope and pray that things start to improve soon. i need a wheelchair at the moment, and dont own one, so i need to look into that more closely. but its more difficult due to needing an electric. i am very thank ful to the many people i have praying about my situation though. I know that i have to just keep trusting God. He knows what is best, and what the will for my life is. So i will continue to wait on God's timing with healing. and in the mean time i will remmy that all this time of trial is making me stronger in God, and more ready to cope with things. verses like

james 1:1-4 "count it a joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of verious kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith producess steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing"

and 2 corinthians 12:8-9
"three different times i pleaded with the lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me 'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is mad perfect in weakness.' therefore i will boast all the more gladly of my weaknessess, so that the power of christ may rest upon me. For the sake of christ, then, i am content with weakness insults, hardships, persecutions, and clamities. For when i am weak, then i am strong."

i have had some good times as well in the last week and a bit. last monday i went to london and had the privilage to work with kidscape
http://www.kidscape.org.uk
for a couple of hours. i then went to the best concert of my life... even though i was in severe amounts of pain it was worth it 100x over. that concert was Dreamtheater... wow how much it rocked... i will certainly remmy that for a long time to come, the special highlight for me music wise was deff octavarium live!!!!!! and what made it more special, was being with paul, and being able to see paul again for the 1st time in about a month...it was a very special day, and every min of pain was worth it. also the weekend was very special to as i was with paul :D and i was able to meet his other sister too, which was nice. It was pauls dad's birthday on sunday so i went there for a lovely lunch with the family. and then watched songs of praise with paul in the eve to see if we could spot me in the crowds.

i know this blog is very long, and i am very sorry to anyone that may be reading it... but i want to just say a few praise to Gods before i go....
i want to praise God for helping me so much today, my mood has lifted a bit since yest and i have been able to cope a lot better with the deteriation in my HMS and the severe amounts of pain that i am in.
- for the relationship that God has given me with paul, and i pray that this only strengthens.
- for the relationship between me and my parents. i want to really thank God for all the work he has done and is continuing to do there, and for being able to talk to them daily.
- for the fact that we can come to him in times of need, or times of rejoycing, he is always there.

i think i could go on and on... but these are just a few so THANK YOU GOD.