my life with Emotional intensity disorder

WARNING may trigger!!!

I have an illness called borderline personality disorder, but i don't like to call it that. I prefer the name that my care co-ordinator told me when i was first diagnosed just over a year ago. This name is emotional intensity disorder. I believe that this describes the illness better than BPD.

BPD doesn't really tell you anything about the illness, other then that its a personality disorder. What does it mean to be borderline anyway? Borderline what?

EID isn't a perfect name either, but for me it is a lot better then all the other names out there.

Why am i referring to this disorder as an illness not a disorder? For me calling it an illness makes it feel more manageable, its like its no different to having any of the physical health problems. Its like its no different to a broken leg. The difference being that it is something that is wrong with my brain, some of my brain got wired a bit funny whilst i was growing up. This part of my brain is the part that regulates my emotions. With hard work and determination i hope i can undo this wiring and rewire it in a way which means that i can function better. I can teach myself ways in which i can deal with situations in different ways which means that my emotions wont be as extreme as they are at the moment.

People i tell about this illness seem to automatically think that i am schizophrenic, that i have more than one personality and they joke about it. This is not the case at all. So i am about to write this so that you can understand what it is really like to suffer from this illness. It's not pretty... in fact it's pretty ugly. All i ask is that you don't judge me for it. Believe me when i say that i am changing and that i don't like the negative parts of this any more than any of you reading this will.

The way EID was first described to me was that i was a bit like a radio, i have put some music on and turned the music right up, it's to loud so i try to turn it down, and i can't its stuck. I have the same emotions as someone without the illness but all my emotions are to the extreme.

However sometimes the dial is stuck and i can't turn the music on, whatever i do it just wont move, at these times i feel nothing, again this is to the extreme.

Everything is Black and white, there is no grey. This goes with everything, nothing is excluded from this.

The people around me never know how i am going to act, how i will respond to the things they say. Its like they are treading on eggshells.

If they say something that makes me angry i could go two ways. If they are lucky i will keep it all bottled up, i wont let them know the anger that is inside me. I go along with whatever they want. But that anger can get so strong that it is just fighting to get out. If i am keeping it bottled up then the only way out for that anger is to destroy something. That is normally myself, i will talk about this later. The other way i could deal with the anger is to take it out on the person i am angry with. I will shout, throw things i may start hurting myself as its the only way in which i can show how angry i am feeling. I ALWAYS regret this, i realise what i have done and i normally spiral into a deep depression. If my anger is really bad i will lash out Though this has only happened with my husband, mum and brother to my knowledge (apart from one time that i threw a chair and lashed out at a girl that had been bullying me for 5 years). I have been known to hit, kick, bite and dig nails into them. The scary part of this is that by the time i have reached that level of anger i have started to dissociate which means that i can have no memory of doing it after. When i realise what i have done i end up beating myself up for ages after. I hate myself so much for the things i do, the way i treat the people i love most.

I can go from really loving the person, to the point of idealization to devaluing them, hating them. I can't see a single nice thing about them and i don't want to be anywhere near to them and i will do anything to make sure i don't have to talk to them, at the same time i am begging them not to leave me on my own, i need them, i can't cope on my own. If they leave i feel abandoned and i hate them more. Its the black and white thing again.

Though its really hard for those around me seeing the way i act, being on the receiving end of the nasty things that i can do and say its nothing compared to the pain i am in. Not only do i do these things due to the strong intensity of my emotions, but i also have to cope with all the feelings after i realise what i have done. The hate the shame i end up so depressed. It seems like there is nothing in this world that i can do right, it seems like i ruin everything for everyone.

When i am depressed i can cry for hours, i feel suicidal, thoughts running through my head of ways i could do it. I think of self harm, ways i could do it but hide it from the world. I don't want people to know how i am feeling cus i don't want to hurt them. At the same time i would do anything to get someone to listen to what i am not saying, see the pain i am in and reach out and help me.

I find i can't ask for help, my emotions just get stronger and stronger my head feels like it is about to burst. So much stuff running through my head. All negative of course. My anxiety levels rise, they get higher and higher. I know i have two choices have a panic attack or cut. Option one means hours of feeling like i am dying. I feel sick, i can't breath properly. Sometimes i stop breathing till i can no longer hold it in, it feels like not breathing is the only control i have over my body. If i am breathing its normally so fast that i end up extremely dizzy, my chest is tight, my mouth is dry. I am crying and i can't stop the tears flooding out. When things get really bad i feel paralysed. I can't move a single muscle in my body, everything is tense and the pain is extreme. Not being able to move anything makes me panic more. This can last for hours. When its finally over your exhausted, you can do nothing but cry if your lucky. If not you feel numb, there are no feelings you are totally dissociated, you can't talk, you can hear people talking to you, but that feels a long way off. Its like you are not really there, you are looking from above at someone lying there totally helpless.

Option two seems so much better at the time. There is immediate release. All those thoughts and feelings float away. You are suddenly so much calmer. Head empty. Its all over in seconds.

But that doesn't last. Soon the feelings of guilt set in, you regret what you have done to your body. The pain that wasn't really there when you were cutting due to the dissociation suddenly hits you and reality sets in. You know someone is going to find out, they always do. You know that when that person finds out they will be so hurt by what you have done. And you end up depressed again. You can end up in a ridiculous cycle if you don't get out and learn skills with which to stop this from happening. Cutting is not the only way of hurting myself though. There are many forms. These range from the minor things, hitting, hair pulling, biting, pinching to the more major things of breaking bones, dislocating my joints (not hard since i can dislocate very easily due to the hypermobility syndrome) cutting, burning and friction burning. There are other forms i have used as well. I am not proud of what i do and i am trying my hardest to put this behind me. I would not recommend it to anyone.

This illness is not just limited to negative emotions, but can affect my positive emotions too meaning that positive emotions can very quickly become negative. When i am happy i have to be very careful to not get too hyper. When i get over excited i can get out of control. I have been known to tell people i can fly, run into busy roads, stood on top of a table (thankfully at home) wearing not much, dancing provocatively, and then went on to use a lamp stand to pole dance. On all of these occasions i was so hyper that i have no memories of them... well i have some of the table dancing and pole dancing, but i am unsure of whether this is planted memories from those that saw it telling me.

When i am manic i can also turn pretty nasty. I don't care about anyone around me. I will hurt them and think that i am the only one in the world that matters. I feel like i am the queen of the world. Nothing can bring me down.

As i have previously mentioned though, there are times when the sound control on my radio is stuck off. These are times when i am dissociated, i feel empty, i look at everything around me as if through someone else's eyes. Its pretty scary. Sometimes i can't cope with the feelings of emptiness so i self harm to try and feel something, anything. I don't care what, i just want to feel alive.

In these times of extreme emptiness i push everyone around me away. I refuse to talk to anyone. I can't talk to anyone, i seem to loose the ability. This hurts those around me. They think it is their fault, they think they have done something to hurt me and that i hate them. This could not be further from the truth. I want them to be near me so bad, but at the same time i just can't cope with that.

This is really hard for those around me as they never know where they stand with me or how i will act towards them. I am just continually hurting them. They try their hardest to help. To rationalise with me, but i wont listen. I will ignore what they are saying, believing that only what i am feeling is fact. I lose all perception of truth. I don't care about what people have to say

One of the major issues i have with my EID is the fear of being abandoned. I am always thinking that if my husband goes out for the evening that he will realise that he is better off without me and that he wont return. I am always sure that people will soon realise what i am like and they will abandon me. I will go to extreme lengths to stop people from going, i will clasp myself onto them and not let them go, i will stand in front of doors and not let them past unless they fight their way past. Though this just seems to reinforce the belief that they are indeed abandoning me. I will say things and treat people in such a way that i am constantly pushing them away from me so when they do go i can say 'i told you so'.

My head is constantly playing games with me and others around me. I get paranoid about the abandonment. If one person goes away, even if its just for a holiday, my mind tells me otherwise. It tells me that its all about me. They want to get away from me because they could cope no longer.

Someone leaving (like my care co-ordinator) is like the end of the world for me and it causes serious depression. I can't cope at all and my whole world seems to fall apart. I try to find ways to hate the person to make it easier for their going, but sometimes that is just not possible. They just seem to perfect and i just can't seem to find a thing that i can hate them over. This can often be because i idealize the person. In my eyes they just can't do any wrong. I know rationally this is not right as she is a sinner like myself and only christ Jesus has ever been perfect. But i just can't think rationally like that. I find it very hard to trust others and to make friends, so when i find someone that i feel i can trust i try and grasp onto them with all my might, but this often scares them away. So i can end up wanting the mental health workers to be my friends. When i don't feel like i have been treated very well by a worker i can be extra distraught because of this. I see them more as friends then i do workers. They tend to be safe people. People that you believe wont leave you because of the things you say, because of what you do, how you act etc. It feels like they will always be there for you. Though this means that if you do try and phone to get through and you can't you start believing its because they hate you rather then because they are working.

I also want to be perfect in everything i do and i find it very hard if i feel i have failed in anyway. But nothing i ever do is good enough, so i am constantly beating myself up for it. I believe that if i was better then people would like me more and that they would not leave me, that i would have more friends that actually cared about me and tried to understand what i am going through.

Having this illness can also have some ups too. It means that i can be very caring and loving, i can empathise with people that bit easier and i have a larger understanding of the world around me and those in it. It has taught me so much and has given me some great friends that i would have never met had i not had this illness. Though i would have preferred to have met them all for other reasons!!!

There is also never a boring moment in my life whether good or bad due to my colourful personality and my moods. Though it isn't all positive, the good times are great. When i am happy i am really happy which is just fantastic (when it doesn't lead to mania) and this has left some amazing memorise of good times!

It helps me to be a good listener and able to help others in the same or similar situations that i have been through. I think it is so much better being able to talk to someone who really knows what your going through and i am happy to be able to be one of those people.

I know i haven't really written to much positive stuff... but i find it really hard to say good things about myself and what i have written has been a huge stuggle.

If you have read all this, thank you. You deserve a gold medal.

I really hope that this doesn't make you view me in a bad/negative way. I am still the same person as i was before you read this... but i hope that it gives you an insight to what it is like to live with this illness.