Filters.

Ok, I am back again to tell you more about what I have learned through being on STEPPS.

In our second week we learnt about filters.

Filters are a bit like the negative side of rose tinted spectacles, what you see is not the truth. When you are put into a situation that causes negative thoughts these thoughts are often fuelled by filters. This part of the course I have probably found the most helpful. It has been great to see how my thoughts are affected by seeing things through glasses that constantly warp my vision.

So what are these filters? Well I don't think I can actually write them out here plainly as I think that would be stepping on copyright laws. But I will try and explain what they are about.

If you are looking through these filters then you may believe that your emotional needs are not being met. You may think that someone is not caring for you in the way you think that you deserve. This can mean that you always want to be independent from others and may not ask or accept any help from anyone else. These filters can also cause you not to trust someone. You may think that if you put any trust in a person that they will go against you or maybe even abuse you in some way. So you end up expecting bad things to happen all the time. You can also end up pushing others away so that this can not happen.

You can be forever thinking that the people that you are close to are going to leave you. As I said in my previous post, I really struggle with abandonment and this is something that I am really having to work on in my therapy. It really hurts those involved including yourself. Because you are always worried that someone is going to leave you, you can end up going to extreme lengths to try and keep them there. The other thing that you can end up doing is pushing the person away thinking that if you break the friendship up first then it will be less painful. From experience this doesn't normally work. Them going may in itself be less painful, but often it still causes pain because you have to find reasons to hate the person to make it easier to push them away. This is what can then be painful. As I have said, this is my experience of this anyway.

You can believe that you are different from other people in a negative way. I personally think that if I let people in past my barriers that they will see the 'real' me and they will hate me for this. They will see how different I am in a negative way and hate me for it. This can make me very sensitive to anything people say to me that I could interpret as being negative. It also makes me very sensitive if I think that someone is rejecting me in some way. It makes me very insecure and means that in social situations I can feel very uncomfortable as I always think that people see me as being as bad as I see myself. I hate myself and a lot of the things that I do and this is due to this filter kicking in. It stops me from being able to see the good things. And if I do see good things about myself I then feel extremely guilty for it.

I have a huge fear of failure and this is due to 2 more of my filters, one of them makes me think that I am unable of achieving anything good or doing any thing right I wont even try as I am afraid that if I do try then I will fail it. This fear of failure can happen in any area of my life and I often just feel totally stupid. I compare myself to people that are more clever then I am to try and prove that what I am feeling is true. The other one of these (as i have found that these two seem to often go together), means that what ever I do it is not good enough for me and so I assume it won't be good enough for anyone else either. This is my perfectionist side. I will do anything to try and avoid criticism and this means setting myself very high standards. The thing is it doesn't matter how well I do actually do at anything, it could ALWAYS be better and so I beat myself up for it. I am very critical of all that I do. When I do get going on something then I find it very hard to stop until I deem that I have finished and that it's acceptable to me (normally its acceptable to others before it is myself and people are shouting at me to stop, but I am just unable to). This puts a lot of stress and pressure on me and it can get me very down. So I often just won't start anything to avoid it. Very black and white behaviour.

There are 2 others that go together very well too. One of these means that I am always sacrificing my needs to put other peoples needs before me. This isn't itself a bad thing but when it kicks in it's often totally over the top. If I do not do this then I will feel awful and will end up beating myself up. I have huge amounts of guilt (can you see how other filters often fit in with each other?) Because doing this means that your needs are not met you can end up getting really annoyed at the person that you are helping. For me this often happens when I am in a lot of pain or really tired and I feel I have to help someone else and ignore my pain. Though I am getting a lot better at being able to say no. But this leaves me with a huge sense of guilt.

Often you end up doing this as a form of submission. You believe that if you do not do this then the other person will be angry at you or abandon you and you want to do everything you can to avoid this. You give up all your emotions and thoughts because you feel that you have to agree with the other person. You can end up confused with your identity and believe that your thoughts and feelings are not actually important. Your emotions are normally pushed down when this filter is in action as you feel you are not allowed to show your emotions due to them not being important. You always put the other person first even if that means that your needs are not met. You won't even let the other person know if there are any needs that need to be met. This normally means that if the other person finds out that you have been keeping something hidden from them then they can get angry and very upset. This just seems to reinforce that you should not let anyone know the way that you are thinking or feeling and just pay full attention to the other person's thoughts and feelings.

The next filter means that I am always thinking that everything will go wrong. That nothing in my life will ever go the way I want it to/ go right. Everything seems to be a major disaster and things are made mountains out of molehills when it's not at all necessary for that to happen. You think that you will never be able to handle what life throws at you, things will never change. So to avoid this you try and shut yourself away, believing that if you're shut away nothing bad can happen to you. I have often been known to tell people that I am not leaving my bed that way no one can hurt me. This is pretty excessive, but you believe that this is totally necessary.

The last filter is one that I notice in people all the time, not just myself. It seems to be human nature. That is that we believe that we should be able to say, think or do whatever we want when we want. If you want a hug or a kiss you want it right then and there, no waiting. If I am made to wait then I think the person hates me or I get angry because I think I deserve it right then. Nothing is going to persuade me otherwise. I am the queen and I should get what I want when I want it, no questions asked. You don't care about what others want or need and you can push people away from you whether intentional or not. You also are not aware of long term consequences of your actions when this filter is in action. This is basically selfishness.

These filters are things that everyone uses to some degree, but people with EID tend to use them more often.

In my next post I will talk about challenging these filters.

my life with Emotional intensity disorder

WARNING may trigger!!!

I have an illness called borderline personality disorder, but i don't like to call it that. I prefer the name that my care co-ordinator told me when i was first diagnosed just over a year ago. This name is emotional intensity disorder. I believe that this describes the illness better than BPD.

BPD doesn't really tell you anything about the illness, other then that its a personality disorder. What does it mean to be borderline anyway? Borderline what?

EID isn't a perfect name either, but for me it is a lot better then all the other names out there.

Why am i referring to this disorder as an illness not a disorder? For me calling it an illness makes it feel more manageable, its like its no different to having any of the physical health problems. Its like its no different to a broken leg. The difference being that it is something that is wrong with my brain, some of my brain got wired a bit funny whilst i was growing up. This part of my brain is the part that regulates my emotions. With hard work and determination i hope i can undo this wiring and rewire it in a way which means that i can function better. I can teach myself ways in which i can deal with situations in different ways which means that my emotions wont be as extreme as they are at the moment.

People i tell about this illness seem to automatically think that i am schizophrenic, that i have more than one personality and they joke about it. This is not the case at all. So i am about to write this so that you can understand what it is really like to suffer from this illness. It's not pretty... in fact it's pretty ugly. All i ask is that you don't judge me for it. Believe me when i say that i am changing and that i don't like the negative parts of this any more than any of you reading this will.

The way EID was first described to me was that i was a bit like a radio, i have put some music on and turned the music right up, it's to loud so i try to turn it down, and i can't its stuck. I have the same emotions as someone without the illness but all my emotions are to the extreme.

However sometimes the dial is stuck and i can't turn the music on, whatever i do it just wont move, at these times i feel nothing, again this is to the extreme.

Everything is Black and white, there is no grey. This goes with everything, nothing is excluded from this.

The people around me never know how i am going to act, how i will respond to the things they say. Its like they are treading on eggshells.

If they say something that makes me angry i could go two ways. If they are lucky i will keep it all bottled up, i wont let them know the anger that is inside me. I go along with whatever they want. But that anger can get so strong that it is just fighting to get out. If i am keeping it bottled up then the only way out for that anger is to destroy something. That is normally myself, i will talk about this later. The other way i could deal with the anger is to take it out on the person i am angry with. I will shout, throw things i may start hurting myself as its the only way in which i can show how angry i am feeling. I ALWAYS regret this, i realise what i have done and i normally spiral into a deep depression. If my anger is really bad i will lash out Though this has only happened with my husband, mum and brother to my knowledge (apart from one time that i threw a chair and lashed out at a girl that had been bullying me for 5 years). I have been known to hit, kick, bite and dig nails into them. The scary part of this is that by the time i have reached that level of anger i have started to dissociate which means that i can have no memory of doing it after. When i realise what i have done i end up beating myself up for ages after. I hate myself so much for the things i do, the way i treat the people i love most.

I can go from really loving the person, to the point of idealization to devaluing them, hating them. I can't see a single nice thing about them and i don't want to be anywhere near to them and i will do anything to make sure i don't have to talk to them, at the same time i am begging them not to leave me on my own, i need them, i can't cope on my own. If they leave i feel abandoned and i hate them more. Its the black and white thing again.

Though its really hard for those around me seeing the way i act, being on the receiving end of the nasty things that i can do and say its nothing compared to the pain i am in. Not only do i do these things due to the strong intensity of my emotions, but i also have to cope with all the feelings after i realise what i have done. The hate the shame i end up so depressed. It seems like there is nothing in this world that i can do right, it seems like i ruin everything for everyone.

When i am depressed i can cry for hours, i feel suicidal, thoughts running through my head of ways i could do it. I think of self harm, ways i could do it but hide it from the world. I don't want people to know how i am feeling cus i don't want to hurt them. At the same time i would do anything to get someone to listen to what i am not saying, see the pain i am in and reach out and help me.

I find i can't ask for help, my emotions just get stronger and stronger my head feels like it is about to burst. So much stuff running through my head. All negative of course. My anxiety levels rise, they get higher and higher. I know i have two choices have a panic attack or cut. Option one means hours of feeling like i am dying. I feel sick, i can't breath properly. Sometimes i stop breathing till i can no longer hold it in, it feels like not breathing is the only control i have over my body. If i am breathing its normally so fast that i end up extremely dizzy, my chest is tight, my mouth is dry. I am crying and i can't stop the tears flooding out. When things get really bad i feel paralysed. I can't move a single muscle in my body, everything is tense and the pain is extreme. Not being able to move anything makes me panic more. This can last for hours. When its finally over your exhausted, you can do nothing but cry if your lucky. If not you feel numb, there are no feelings you are totally dissociated, you can't talk, you can hear people talking to you, but that feels a long way off. Its like you are not really there, you are looking from above at someone lying there totally helpless.

Option two seems so much better at the time. There is immediate release. All those thoughts and feelings float away. You are suddenly so much calmer. Head empty. Its all over in seconds.

But that doesn't last. Soon the feelings of guilt set in, you regret what you have done to your body. The pain that wasn't really there when you were cutting due to the dissociation suddenly hits you and reality sets in. You know someone is going to find out, they always do. You know that when that person finds out they will be so hurt by what you have done. And you end up depressed again. You can end up in a ridiculous cycle if you don't get out and learn skills with which to stop this from happening. Cutting is not the only way of hurting myself though. There are many forms. These range from the minor things, hitting, hair pulling, biting, pinching to the more major things of breaking bones, dislocating my joints (not hard since i can dislocate very easily due to the hypermobility syndrome) cutting, burning and friction burning. There are other forms i have used as well. I am not proud of what i do and i am trying my hardest to put this behind me. I would not recommend it to anyone.

This illness is not just limited to negative emotions, but can affect my positive emotions too meaning that positive emotions can very quickly become negative. When i am happy i have to be very careful to not get too hyper. When i get over excited i can get out of control. I have been known to tell people i can fly, run into busy roads, stood on top of a table (thankfully at home) wearing not much, dancing provocatively, and then went on to use a lamp stand to pole dance. On all of these occasions i was so hyper that i have no memories of them... well i have some of the table dancing and pole dancing, but i am unsure of whether this is planted memories from those that saw it telling me.

When i am manic i can also turn pretty nasty. I don't care about anyone around me. I will hurt them and think that i am the only one in the world that matters. I feel like i am the queen of the world. Nothing can bring me down.

As i have previously mentioned though, there are times when the sound control on my radio is stuck off. These are times when i am dissociated, i feel empty, i look at everything around me as if through someone else's eyes. Its pretty scary. Sometimes i can't cope with the feelings of emptiness so i self harm to try and feel something, anything. I don't care what, i just want to feel alive.

In these times of extreme emptiness i push everyone around me away. I refuse to talk to anyone. I can't talk to anyone, i seem to loose the ability. This hurts those around me. They think it is their fault, they think they have done something to hurt me and that i hate them. This could not be further from the truth. I want them to be near me so bad, but at the same time i just can't cope with that.

This is really hard for those around me as they never know where they stand with me or how i will act towards them. I am just continually hurting them. They try their hardest to help. To rationalise with me, but i wont listen. I will ignore what they are saying, believing that only what i am feeling is fact. I lose all perception of truth. I don't care about what people have to say

One of the major issues i have with my EID is the fear of being abandoned. I am always thinking that if my husband goes out for the evening that he will realise that he is better off without me and that he wont return. I am always sure that people will soon realise what i am like and they will abandon me. I will go to extreme lengths to stop people from going, i will clasp myself onto them and not let them go, i will stand in front of doors and not let them past unless they fight their way past. Though this just seems to reinforce the belief that they are indeed abandoning me. I will say things and treat people in such a way that i am constantly pushing them away from me so when they do go i can say 'i told you so'.

My head is constantly playing games with me and others around me. I get paranoid about the abandonment. If one person goes away, even if its just for a holiday, my mind tells me otherwise. It tells me that its all about me. They want to get away from me because they could cope no longer.

Someone leaving (like my care co-ordinator) is like the end of the world for me and it causes serious depression. I can't cope at all and my whole world seems to fall apart. I try to find ways to hate the person to make it easier for their going, but sometimes that is just not possible. They just seem to perfect and i just can't seem to find a thing that i can hate them over. This can often be because i idealize the person. In my eyes they just can't do any wrong. I know rationally this is not right as she is a sinner like myself and only christ Jesus has ever been perfect. But i just can't think rationally like that. I find it very hard to trust others and to make friends, so when i find someone that i feel i can trust i try and grasp onto them with all my might, but this often scares them away. So i can end up wanting the mental health workers to be my friends. When i don't feel like i have been treated very well by a worker i can be extra distraught because of this. I see them more as friends then i do workers. They tend to be safe people. People that you believe wont leave you because of the things you say, because of what you do, how you act etc. It feels like they will always be there for you. Though this means that if you do try and phone to get through and you can't you start believing its because they hate you rather then because they are working.

I also want to be perfect in everything i do and i find it very hard if i feel i have failed in anyway. But nothing i ever do is good enough, so i am constantly beating myself up for it. I believe that if i was better then people would like me more and that they would not leave me, that i would have more friends that actually cared about me and tried to understand what i am going through.

Having this illness can also have some ups too. It means that i can be very caring and loving, i can empathise with people that bit easier and i have a larger understanding of the world around me and those in it. It has taught me so much and has given me some great friends that i would have never met had i not had this illness. Though i would have preferred to have met them all for other reasons!!!

There is also never a boring moment in my life whether good or bad due to my colourful personality and my moods. Though it isn't all positive, the good times are great. When i am happy i am really happy which is just fantastic (when it doesn't lead to mania) and this has left some amazing memorise of good times!

It helps me to be a good listener and able to help others in the same or similar situations that i have been through. I think it is so much better being able to talk to someone who really knows what your going through and i am happy to be able to be one of those people.

I know i haven't really written to much positive stuff... but i find it really hard to say good things about myself and what i have written has been a huge stuggle.

If you have read all this, thank you. You deserve a gold medal.

I really hope that this doesn't make you view me in a bad/negative way. I am still the same person as i was before you read this... but i hope that it gives you an insight to what it is like to live with this illness.